Foreign Visitors to the City on the Increase

The Foreign Correspondant arrived in the country today and it has been over a year since I have seen him. Just a flying visit for a long weekend and on the monday I had the pleasure of his company. He came over late on sunday night and the rest of the lads joined us early morning. We were off on a road trip. I heard they did good fish and chips in Whitby so we made for the east coast. On the way the FC claimed that he wasnt getting any overseas and somehow worked into the conversation "I would sleep with anyone famous to get a story".
"Even a man?"
"Any famous woman"
"What about Fern from This Morning? Or Trisha? Or Peggy Mitchell?"
"Now or when she was younger?"
"Now, all of them"
"No, I meant to say 95% of famous women"
We listed a lot of women. the % got lower and lower. We got more twisted
"One of the Fat Ladies?"
"The Corrs but the Guy as well?" (a classic)
"Vanessa Felts?"
"That old bag that writes dirty books"
The list went on.
And on

Officials Claim Noise levels in the City Centre at 5 Year High

It was a typical night. It was about 11pm, I had drank my cup of Green and Black's hot chocolate and I was ready to sleep. But there was a muffled voice in the air. A sleepless malice was in my building. The room below to be precise. There was a couple arguing about something, ususual as in the last 4 months i have never heard them argue at all. I turned in my bed and tried to ignore them but she screams at him "how can i forgive you after what you did". They have my attention as it could be a bit of a rumpy pumpy scandel. I go to the kitchen and grab a tumbler and put it to the floor (laminate) and listen. The voices arn't clear, lots of swear words and name calling. Then the pushed the wrong button with him. He's screaming at her now. He threatens to kill her! "Get on your fucking knees" follows soon after. Then there are two screams and then silence. And more silence.
I rn to the kitchen and get me a pint glass. More silence.
I look over my balcony and consider throwing myself onto their's.
But i'm wearing Paddington Bear pyjamas. I put that aside. A life is in danger.
But its a big drop what if i hurt myself and just lie on their balcony shouting at him. That will look silly. Be a man i said to myself.
But what if their door is locked from the inside. Screw it, I'm Not a superhero. I call the police.
I let them in the building 10 mins later. I show them to the door then finally go to bed and I got some bloody sleep. Some people are so inconsiderate.

Hit and Run: Nuns Suspected

Walking down the pasta aisle in Asda, minding my own business, buying some supplies for the arrival of the consumer affairs correspondant. I was going to cook something special. Jambalaya. Never cooked it before. Probably wont again unless I turn out to be a culinary genius. Bend over to pick up some passatta (a key ingredient) which is a tomato basedsauce (to be added once the the rice is cooked but before you throw in the prawns) and someone rams a trolly into me (the backside incase you were wondering).
I compose myself and turn, to where the culprit should be, only to see two nuns heading off double speed away from the crime scence and into aisle 6 (home baking).
Thats right. Nuns.
Cant sit down properly or nothin.

Residents Warned of Doppelganger Threat

There is a doppelganger loose in the town where i grew up. Worse still he lives a few doors away from my old house. He drives the same car as me but his is a bit bigger and has body coloured mirrors. His sense of dress is better than mine. And he uses all my jokes and comic material. He is filling the void (and it is a void) that I left when I moved to Liverpool.
If I visit my home town next weekend and find him having bruch with my folks there is going to be trouble.
This town aint big enough for both of us...

Liverpool Man in Youth Gang Milk Attack

I know dairy products have there nasty side. They go off really quickly and cause food poinsionng to unsuspecting cereal eaters. Some people have allergies. Tonight I saw a violent side that I did not think exisited. The move to Liverpool has left me a little isolated from my friends. I haven't gone out with the Editor for weeks and I am without internet access in my minimalist flat. So I use a internet phone box in the main shopping street to communicate with the boys. Anyway, this evening I was emailing the Editor when I saw a couple of kids come to a sudden stop a few feet from the booth. We made eye contact briefly.
I scowled to let them know i wasn't to be fucked with and then I carried on with my message.
They opened up a Burger King bag that was full of goodies they had raided. Salt sachets, ketchup and those little cartons of milk for your coffee. They sized up the booth. They opened up a load of milk cartons. I was penned in. If I get out they will soak me. If I stay here I am a sitting duck.
But the bastards didn't give me a choice. They unloaded on the booth will all their milky goodness with me cowering in my booth looking like a rabbit caught in the headlights.
I cried today.
I dont want to go outside again.