I Want To Ride My Bicycle

While in London watching the Tour de France I was inspired to started cycling more often. I have taken on the bicycling lifestyle fully, I have the bicycle, the books, the lycra, the controlled drugs. Everything I need to enter major competitions.

More Than Just A Green Theme Park

It took us 13 hours to get to St Agnes on Friday so it was not a good idea going to the Eden Project in the afternoon when we were expecting to travel back. On arrival we took more boy band pictures around (and on) my car and we followed the winding paths to the entrance. It is a great sight when you leave the gift shop/ticket office/cafe. It looks like this



A real feat of engineering and a fusion of education with botanical excellence that cannot be found elsewhere on the planet. But once you get over the big green house it is, as a young girl behind me put it, "just a load of plants".

We took in the legendary chippy in Burham-on-Sea (by the petrol station) which I somehow missed off my top five. At this point I was informed that HP will spun the hell out of his car in the camp site in an attempt to spray the Knock Knock lady's tent will mud. Sometimes I envy him.

The Ultimate Destination

The signs at the entrance to Lands End call it the ultimate destination. Perhaps that is why the charge to you get into the place and to have a picture with "the sign" (pictured below by Alfie). They also do a lot of the "first and last" this that and the other. The was the first and last post box(not operational), Gift shop (very tacky) and cafe (full of yanks). There was a moment of excitement when I thought I spotted a whale. But it turned out to be a small boat in the distance.

Nookie in Newquay

Took me ages to come up with that and I am very proud of myself.

We started the day in the Lost Gardens Of Heligan which took us ages to find and to keeps us from getting lost in the 200 acre grounds we were given a map and a compass. It was like orienteering all over again. The best bit was seeing the baby owls which had eaten their siblings earlier in the year because they thought they looked tasty. Twisted.

I taught Alfie how to make owl noises by blowing into your hands and he is a quick learner. Within 90 minutes we had gone from muffled puff to playing "No Limits" by 2 Unlimited.

Then it was on to Walkabout in Newquay (not Newport as I originally thought) and the legendary Berties which was full of drunk women. I could have repeated yesterday's headline with a different meaning if you catch my drift. I had my bottom pinched twice and I was the victim of drunken cupping. It was a first. I felt a little violated.

I met a lady from Staines called Hannah who had a great pair of eyes on her. Entrancing. She was feeling lonely as her friend was off cupping men left right and centre. We spoke for a while and then I mentioned the owl calls and it went down hill from there. I think I need a new angle.

God knows what is hiding in that weak and drunken heart

I guess you kissed the girls and made them cry

Those hard faced Queens of misadventure

God knows what is hiding in those weak and sunken eyes

A fiery throng of muted angels

Giving love and getting nothing back

She Gave Me Crabs

I was in Looe throwing my line about on the shoreline close to the the docks. I was trying to catch crabs with my manky piece of bait and a hook with very little success but I had so much fun doing it. I was befriended by a young scottish lady who was the worst teacher ever. She shouted and swore which made me nervous. I didn't like her.
I think she felt sorry for me at the end of the day as I had not caught anything so she gave me her bucket which was full of crabs. Some of em were pretty big.

We pitched our tent last night in the rain and tucked into the 3p french baguette that Moonlight Graham bought from the Asda in Bodmin. It had only turned midnight when a stroppy in the next tent tapped on the side of the tent
"Knock Knock" is what she said
"Hello???" Was the response coupled with fits of the giggles at the whole onomatopoeic intro
"Can you keep it down, I dont know if you realise how much sound travels, I have been trying to sleep four an hour now"
Now I know that we probably should have just gone to sleep and let it go but it was our first night and we were having a conversation in our tent. What is wrong with that?
I think she was mean and so did Moonlight. So we took a couple of her tent pegs half way out. I hope the wind picks up int he next couple of nights.

Slide Over Here!

The boys took a trip to Cornwall but that is another story for another day. The night before I went to see this man with Beth, Tim and Leanne.

I know, you are all thinking "how did he score Dean Friedman tickets??" It is all about knowing people. I cant believe I met him in person and got to see Duncan Goodhew! I feel so honoured.

He played all the classics. Or at least that is what I was told as I walked in half way through the gig. I did get to touch him at the end though.

Lydia, Lydia how come you understand?
I can offer you nothing at all. This is more than I had planned.
Lydia, Lydia I am at your command,
At least until morning comes, then, I must be off again.

Over The Top

Paintballing brought out a different side to me. We were taking heavy fire on the right flank. The enemy village was within sight, we were running low on ammo and I had thrown my last smoke grenade to provide us with as much cover as possible. The barrels we crouched behind pinged contantly as a hail of paintballs rained down upon us.

LM: "Lets do it, lets go over"

HP: "Are you crazy?!!!...!"

LM: "We can take the village"

HP: "You will kill us both and for what? For honour?"

I grabbed his overalls around his shoulder and pulled him close

LM: "For death and glory!"

We charged forward.

War war is stupid

And people are stupid

And love means nothing

In some strange quarters

It took me a while to figure that out. The penny dropped soon after I was shot in the face. I thought I was PJ and Duncan all over again.

Run Forest Run

We are paint balling tomorrow and there has been a lot of macho talk, mostly from me, which is regrettable. HP says I have been giving out too much lip this week. He thinks that there is a very strong chance of friendly fire or "blue on blue" incidents.

He has given me some tips

1) If you see something sticking out, shoot it

2) Nothing macho about being shot in the groin and not having taken any precautions

3) Move move move

4) Rambo movies are not good guidance

5) Have the heart to lose the life that people want to live (what? suicide???)

I think he was struggling a bit toward the the end. He also suggested that I should call him The General and we should follow him as he is looking to establish a new world order. The picture below is from Platoon. Perhaps something from Apocalypse Now would have been more appropriate.

Welcome To England

People are going on about asylum seekers all the time. It annoys me. I explain to them that many people who have come to this country seeking refuge have gone on to become pillars of the community. Take Paddington Bear for example. Came to London fleeing from the ethnic cleansing of bears in Peru and made this country his home. Who doesn't like Paddington Bear? I have a friend to whom Paddington is the most favourite of all the bears. This is what I tell people, some of them take it on board, others look at me like I am a mental. I wish people would treat all bears the same. With compassion.

Top Five Bears
1) Paddington Bear
2) Panda Bear
3) Koala Bear
4) Care Bears
5) Winnie the Poo

Note Rupert is not on the list. That is because it is a stuck up, upper middle class, public school, good for nothing, boring bear. And he wears rubbish trousers the brandy drinking, golf club membership owning, Tory voting pompus twit.

Losing It

If anyone has lost some Ford keys on Bixteth Street then they are in the hallway in my building. They have been there for a while. I find a lot of things in my building. On one occasion I found a small boy. I didn't get any thanks for re-uniting him with his parents.

Top Five Finds
1) Small Boy
2) £10 on the street
3) Richard James shirt for £20 in the sale
4) 100 year old Kipling book (for £10)
5) Rosetta Stone

Something is Leaking

The couple in the ground floor flat are very pleasant people and this weekend they threw a party to celebrate their one year wedding anniversary. Not that I was invited, they just put a note under my door to say that they will be loud. I don't mind... really, I don't.

There was a bit of an after party party tonight which again I don't mind but if they think that they can tell their mates to pee in the plant pots in the court yard then they are very much mistaken. Especially when I happen to have my head out of my window (three floors up) as the guy whips out his Mr Johnson. I shouted down just before he got warmed up and told him that it was not a good idea.

His response was "but there is no options" as he pointed at the party (with his finger!).

At the age of 26 I think I have turned into a grumpy old man. Now where did I leave my slippers...

Clock of Anonymity Removed

I have decided to show myself on this blog for the first time. With a bit of help from HP I have been busy creating another alter ego. This is what i would look like if I starred in an episode of the Simpsons.

Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner

I have a 18:04 train to catch from London Euston

17:00 sit down with Alfie and Josh in the Giraffe restaurant in the Brunswick. A farewell meal.
17:30 "Euston is only 2 minutes walk from here" says Josh (the local)
17:45 "We better ask for the bill"
17:50 We leave the restaurant, Josh leads the way
17:55 We arrive at Kings Cross St Pancras. I wont repeat what Alfie and I said to Josh.
17:59 Why wont the traffic lights turn red to that I can cross the road. I can see the station entrance
18:03 flying down platform 4, I see a Virgin train it must be the one.

18:04 The realisation that it wasn't

Another night in London town? The place is growing on me. I am starting to feel at home.

"Josh Lyman's office"

Josh has come good and is now Campaign Manager for a Cabinet Minister so Alfie and I met up with him on Friday night for a few drinks in St Stephens Tavern so we could catch up on antics in Whitehall. He provided a fascinating insight into the psyche of political operators in the centre of UK democracy. He also mentioned that the Houses of Parliament has its own Florist and that you can buy a pair of tights in there for £1.50. I know this information may appear to irrelevant at the moment but it may be worth remembering anyway.

Hunger set in around 9pm so we sought out a chippy in Covent Garden which sounded more and more amazing as the journey (long walk) continued. When I arrived the chips were worth the walk but the place was closer to an east end allotment than the Hanging Gardens of Babylon that it was described as.

We were joined at the chippy by Alfie's house mate Ainsley who showed us some of the finer establishments in the West End. Ainsley intrigued me, not because she is the daughter of a Premiership football manager, for purely none footballing reasons. Plus we saved each other from a very loud man in a bar by using a combination of our body language and well timed remarks (More sophisticated than crossing our arms and calling him names I assure you) (I wanted to do that but he was bigger than me). Although soon after I did have to explain the rules.

Top 5 Chippys
1) Cross Street Chippy Preston
2) The place we went to in Covent Garden
3) Rays Plaice in Rawtenstall
4) The place in Whitby with the Young Fish Fryer of the Year
5) Somewhere in Southport. Not exactly sure where.

I'll meet you by the underground

Met Alfie at Euston Station for the start of a new journey on Thursday, hopped on the back of his Classic Vespa and headed up to road to the Jazz Cafe to see Skye. She is awesome, great performer and has a very endearing character.

Afterwards I went for Japanese food for the first time. It was lovely but Alfie had to remind me that noodles and spaghetti are not the same thing and are not to be eaten in the same manner.
"Put the fork down" was the phrase of the day.

Running through my life right now I don't regret a thing
The things I do just make me laugh and make me wanna drink
I'd like to meet a mad man who makes it all seem sane
To work out all these troubles and what there is to gain
I'm falling

Phone Wars

Mobile phone wars are dangerous. Things get out of hand.

Someone got hold of HP's phone and sent "Dont worry she will never find out" to his girlfriend
The response was swift, later that day HP snached a ringing phone and I heard "He cant talk now because he has something in his mouth"
This was followed with text to HP's Dad that said "In the bath thinking of you"

Pirates of the Liverpool

I hate good byes, especially the big ones. The important ones. As a distraction I offered an emerency wind up mobile phone charger and a good bye present. Funky eh? Wind up is the future. I've tasted it. Ew, weird.

Later that evening I met up with the Pirate Queen and we caught up over a couple of mojitos in Lago. Unfortuately we dont often have the chance to catch up as my management consultancy business is starting to take off and PQ is spending more and more time on the ones and twos DJing. We agreed another meeting in the next two weeks in the famed Blue Angel on Seel Street and I have sourced a rare pirate pouch for her, recovered from a 18th century pirate ship sunk by HMS Bounty in the Carribean.

I enjoy my business, I use it as an opportunity to invent management phrases that make no sense. Especially as I work as a consultant for a sandwich company. Here are my top five favourites

1) Focused extended competence
2) Radical group wide enterprise
3) Total enhanced competence
4) Strategic integrated solution
5) Holistic re-engineered scenario