Liverpool: The Home of Charity and Good Will

I dont know why but the walk from one end of church street to the other today was filled with charity collection folk. All of them with good causes, all of them with those little change tubs, (almost) all had stickers for the better natured shoppers so that they could show off to the world the fact that they donated loose change to a charity they know nothing about.
I wasnt in the mood for engaging these peeple. Especially when the pet recuse folk were asking for one pound a month more than the child cruelty folk.

2 pound to save a child
3 pound to save an animal

Has the world gone mad.

City's Gay Scene is Growing

Last night I was out in the city and towards the end of the night I was in the mood for going somewhere different. Maybe a strip club or a casino. But one of the lad thought we should head to the infamous Superstar Boudoir. On the door the bouncer felt it neccessary to point out that it was a gay club just in case the drag queen on the door and the groups of guys wearing dungarees did not make it obvious enough.

Anyway it was a good job that I wore my pink tie to work that day (along with my leather pants). I fit right in. Especially when I danced like a beautiful boy on a beautiful dance floor.
I was dancing like a beautiful dance whore.

Tower Blocks the Cause of Social Degregation

I live in a flat in the city centre. It is a lovely flat but my neighbours suck. The guy next door moved in a couple of weeks ago from newcastle. A more seasoned man probably in his fifties. I tried to make him feel welcome, as you do, making small talk etc. "Liverpool is a lovely place, its really on the up" i said. "Hopefully I wont be here long" was his reply. Apperently his employer sent him to t'pool against his will and given his attitute i cant blame them. The tosser even blanked me when i smiled at him in the street. The little bastard is going to regret being gumpy towards me. Its going to take an ASBO to get me off hiss ass now.
I am ging to start by putting posters in the lift inviting everyone to a party at his this weekend. Next I will steal his post from our easily accesible and not very secure post boxes.
Then I will throw my own wild parties in my flat that will involve loud music and the rest. The best bit. I will throw the parties on a school night

Ha ha ha ha ha haaa.

Liverpool Muslims Begin Holy Month

Liverpool's muslim community began fasting today from sunrise to sun set for thirty days. No food. No Drink. But Muller took the opportunity to erect a huge stand in the middle of Church street and proceeded to hand out free yogurts to all those who passed.

Is yogurt a food?
Is it a drink?
Is it a loophole?

Record Influx of Students Brings the City to Life

I went to see The Research last night with the Private Investigator. They are so funny, they have a hot chick on bass and a foxy lass on the drums. They have lyrics like "I love you but i'm scared i'll fuck it up" and the support (The Wombats) sing this things like "i guess i just miss my metro". Anyway, this story is not about the band(s).
The students are back in town. So me and the PI played how many accents can you pull in the night. A new game to me but so much fun. Where has this game been all my life? The PI score a respectable three. He claimed Scouse and Wirral accents were different but I was having none of that. They sounded the same. My score was ...
My score is another story for another time.
The academic year is going to be a lot of fun.

Liverpool Plays Host to Liam Frost

Holy shit some crazy Ukranian guy is kicking off in the internet cafe. this will be a short post...

Liam Frost played liverpool's academy. Not many people know about him but he is a very good sing a song writer type blokey. Oh, and afterwards some guy called Steven Fretwell turned up. He was shit.

I'm outta here

Public Urged to Dress Appropriately as Temperatures Soar

I have told myself that i need to cook proper food and to cut back on all the processed stuff I have been eating. The soft spot for ice cream has to stop. Mint and choc Chip. Yum.
Anyway, I have found myself spending more time indoors so I cracked open my OC box set while I cook. I love it, just like Dallas (so I am told) but with kids, a better set and proper dialogue. And with added Ryans fancy peice. The red head with the nice...
Anyway, have you notcie how they dress. The sky is blue, its California but today one of the kids had three layers on. For crying out loud I only wear three layers when I am in the snow.
Why is there no sweat dripping off their foreheads?
Is that why they are all skinny?
What will they wear when it really gets cold. Or when they go to Aspen to ski?
Its too much. I have had enough of this staying in nonsense.

95% of Liverpool Men Lack Etiquette: Shock Survey Results

A mates 21 year old sister was staying over this week. She was doing a weeks work experience in the city and since I live in the city she crashed with me. It made sense. The Editor rang before her arrival to explain the (many) rules and no go areas re friends younger sisters but I knew all about that. Honest.
We did fun things like watch the Blues Brothers and I got an education in blues music. John Coltrane is very good. Or so she said. Still dont quite get it.
We went to gigs.
We went to bars on school nights and stayed up late eating freshly made chocolate brownies.
The week went well but I learnt some things about living with a women.
1) Dont ask her to sleep on the sofa (two seater). It will make her grumpy
2) Dont comment on they way she look (scary by the way) when she has just woken up cos she will be grumpy
3) Dont tell her she can share a bed with you if the sofa is too small beacuse she is grumpy.
She is off home tomorrow and I am off on holiday.

Foreign Visitors to the City on the Increase

The Foreign Correspondant arrived in the country today and it has been over a year since I have seen him. Just a flying visit for a long weekend and on the monday I had the pleasure of his company. He came over late on sunday night and the rest of the lads joined us early morning. We were off on a road trip. I heard they did good fish and chips in Whitby so we made for the east coast. On the way the FC claimed that he wasnt getting any overseas and somehow worked into the conversation "I would sleep with anyone famous to get a story".
"Even a man?"
"Any famous woman"
"What about Fern from This Morning? Or Trisha? Or Peggy Mitchell?"
"Now or when she was younger?"
"Now, all of them"
"No, I meant to say 95% of famous women"
We listed a lot of women. the % got lower and lower. We got more twisted
"One of the Fat Ladies?"
"The Corrs but the Guy as well?" (a classic)
"Vanessa Felts?"
"That old bag that writes dirty books"
The list went on.
And on

Officials Claim Noise levels in the City Centre at 5 Year High

It was a typical night. It was about 11pm, I had drank my cup of Green and Black's hot chocolate and I was ready to sleep. But there was a muffled voice in the air. A sleepless malice was in my building. The room below to be precise. There was a couple arguing about something, ususual as in the last 4 months i have never heard them argue at all. I turned in my bed and tried to ignore them but she screams at him "how can i forgive you after what you did". They have my attention as it could be a bit of a rumpy pumpy scandel. I go to the kitchen and grab a tumbler and put it to the floor (laminate) and listen. The voices arn't clear, lots of swear words and name calling. Then the pushed the wrong button with him. He's screaming at her now. He threatens to kill her! "Get on your fucking knees" follows soon after. Then there are two screams and then silence. And more silence.
I rn to the kitchen and get me a pint glass. More silence.
I look over my balcony and consider throwing myself onto their's.
But i'm wearing Paddington Bear pyjamas. I put that aside. A life is in danger.
But its a big drop what if i hurt myself and just lie on their balcony shouting at him. That will look silly. Be a man i said to myself.
But what if their door is locked from the inside. Screw it, I'm Not a superhero. I call the police.
I let them in the building 10 mins later. I show them to the door then finally go to bed and I got some bloody sleep. Some people are so inconsiderate.

Hit and Run: Nuns Suspected

Walking down the pasta aisle in Asda, minding my own business, buying some supplies for the arrival of the consumer affairs correspondant. I was going to cook something special. Jambalaya. Never cooked it before. Probably wont again unless I turn out to be a culinary genius. Bend over to pick up some passatta (a key ingredient) which is a tomato basedsauce (to be added once the the rice is cooked but before you throw in the prawns) and someone rams a trolly into me (the backside incase you were wondering).
I compose myself and turn, to where the culprit should be, only to see two nuns heading off double speed away from the crime scence and into aisle 6 (home baking).
Thats right. Nuns.
Cant sit down properly or nothin.

Residents Warned of Doppelganger Threat

There is a doppelganger loose in the town where i grew up. Worse still he lives a few doors away from my old house. He drives the same car as me but his is a bit bigger and has body coloured mirrors. His sense of dress is better than mine. And he uses all my jokes and comic material. He is filling the void (and it is a void) that I left when I moved to Liverpool.
If I visit my home town next weekend and find him having bruch with my folks there is going to be trouble.
This town aint big enough for both of us...

Liverpool Man in Youth Gang Milk Attack

I know dairy products have there nasty side. They go off really quickly and cause food poinsionng to unsuspecting cereal eaters. Some people have allergies. Tonight I saw a violent side that I did not think exisited. The move to Liverpool has left me a little isolated from my friends. I haven't gone out with the Editor for weeks and I am without internet access in my minimalist flat. So I use a internet phone box in the main shopping street to communicate with the boys. Anyway, this evening I was emailing the Editor when I saw a couple of kids come to a sudden stop a few feet from the booth. We made eye contact briefly.
I scowled to let them know i wasn't to be fucked with and then I carried on with my message.
They opened up a Burger King bag that was full of goodies they had raided. Salt sachets, ketchup and those little cartons of milk for your coffee. They sized up the booth. They opened up a load of milk cartons. I was penned in. If I get out they will soak me. If I stay here I am a sitting duck.
But the bastards didn't give me a choice. They unloaded on the booth will all their milky goodness with me cowering in my booth looking like a rabbit caught in the headlights.
I cried today.
I dont want to go outside again.

Liverpool Man's Stalker hell

I cant believe sting’s son. Can't he take a hint?
First he was far too pushy sending a email one day after we met.
Then another three emails followed each day after that telling me how he excited he is that he will be playing Liverpool again sometime soon.
To quote "I’m twatting about with excitement over here, fingers crossed, it may lead to greater things.."(!!!)
Didn’t respond to him.

What if the letters start to arrive.
Then the phone calls in the night.
I can hear someone knocking at the door.
But I’m not expecting anyone…

Liverpool Man in Encounter with Sting's Son

A liverpool man today found himself in Barfly, the popular live music venue, watching a performance by Fiction Plane the lead singer for which is Sting's son Joe . To the liverpool man's surprise, at the end of the gig, Sting's son approached him and asked for his email address. Liverpool Man provided it and is wondering if he was being asked out on a date. The three day rule therefore applies.
If an email is received the following day stings son is too needy and should be ignored.
If the message comes through on day two it is still to needy and that is not cool.
If the email asking out Liverpool Man arrives on day three should I go on date with stings son or dismiss the email for being to predictable by obeying the three day rule?