80mph Winds Delay Firework Display

It is expected that 80 mph winds will run through Liverpool streets tomorrow so I have bailed and headed for safer shores inland. I am in my native home in East Lancashire.

Chrismas passed without a hitch. Everyone got their gifts, everbody liked their gifts, everybody got me gifts. Not that that is what it is all about.

I found inspiration. It came to me in a moment of clarity late in the shopping day. I do like to wait to see how things turn out if I apply some pressure.

Christmas eve in Liverpool is cool. We partied until all hours. I dont think i got home until midnight. We were doing it all, checking out the 'talent', 'dancing' and I 'put my hands up for New York'.

I can still cut it.

Stars Come Out At Knight

I have done most of the christmas present shopping (bar for one special person for whom I seek inspiration). I am in St Johns shopping centre at the moment taking in the festive atmosphere (and desperately seeking inspiration). I have staged a bit of a coup with regards to the Hyndburn Correspondant. I bought him Making Waves by David Hasselhoff. I think he will really like it.

I was told that they sell for about £80 on ebay if they are signed. And guess what? This one is signed!!! (not by me silly)

To reduce the risk of this gift ending up in an auction i put a little message in the inside cover. It reads:

"The Hoff told me (when he signed this book) about how much he missed his friends back home. Especially those who he cares about the most. But his firends know that he cares for them and when their need is most they can call upon him for help (and the occasional sentimental word of wisdom [Post dramatic aquatic rescue CPR]).
I like to think there is a little bit of 'The Hoff' in all of us.
Merry Christmas
Liverpool Man"

Merry Christmas to you all.

Friends Reunited

I just had a look at my Friends Reunited profile which was dated to say the least. It is strange that I very rarely struggle to describe myself (for personal ads etc) but when it comes to that website I struggle.

The best I could come up with was:
"I live in Liverpool now. It can be as scary as it sounds".

I think this is poor, especially considering that I dont think it is that scary here and I was playing into the stereotype for a cheap laugh that was not even funny. I suppose the arguement I could make is that I was being ironic. But it it not well thought out irony. It's just words.

I think I have given this too much thought already and inexplicably I have Natural Blues by Moby in my head.
The one that goes "oh lordy, trouble so hard,
don't nobody know my troubles but God"

Innuendo is Rampant

I asked someone today if they wanted to go for a sandwich with me and one of the columnists. This was interpreted as something a bit naughty. Maybe it is the time of the year.

On an unrelated subject. I got a text from the Manchester Gossip Editor which read "Oh my God. How amazing was that? Whooooo ;)"

I had no idea what they were on about. But if messages like that are read out of context then things can get out of hand.

I am still trying to find out what the context was.

Liverpool is a City Full of FAT(ties)

And I am one of them. FAT is the term used for Festive Automotive Tension (or road rage) (or at least that is what I read). Apparently it is on the increase in cities as people rush around trying to buy christmas presents.

So far the best ideas I have come up with are a sky diving voucher (for a friend who hates heights) and a sat nav system (for a friend who does not drive). I am struggling this year. I will come up with something. I HAVE to come up with something.

Anyway, I am going to get rid of some of my pre christmas chunkyness with some regular exercise. I play football on friday lunchtimes and this is where i realised that i need to start training properly. 30 minutes into a 60 minute game i lost my legs. It was worse fot the opposing team as i struggled to keep up with attacking players and started to chop them down in a cynical Greame Souness style. I perhaps would not have been so aggressive if i had not turned up to football late beacuse of the ruddy traffic.

Liverpool Headlines Vs Liverpool Echo

It appears that this is no longer a anonymous blog. People definately know who i am. However, my readership has doubled in the last couple of weeks, which is nice.

Breaking news on the flat across the hall! They have also have been rumbled and are clearing their office like a post administration cover up of all things sleazy and corrupt. I can hear paper being shredded (I know what that sounds like) and there are bloxes being thrown out with client files written on the side. I will try to sneak a peak at the files to gain greater insight and i will report back. But it a dangerous task.

Plus there is a new character on the scene. Her name, which was the best i could come up with at short notice, is Goth Lady. She looks like Death's mistress and never says a word. The scary silent type (who smokes in the court year).

I met her by the fake chrismas tree at the bottom of the stairs.

Fly to Liverpool From Cardiff

I was taking a well earned break this weekend spending time with friends in the lovely city of Cardiff. I was joined by the three minxs' of Monmouth and we had a fantastic time but I think four days was a day too much. Hysteria took hold on monday morning with one of the minxs becoming very sarcastic with everything that was put in front of her, another thinking she was a mime trapped in a box and the third laughed uncontrolably (often for no reason), although I did join in with the laughter. I got back to Liverpool feeling energised and also thinking that I need to add character to my character. Feel a little one dimentional so I have come up with a action plan. On the list is the following;
Spend more time with friends on weekdays
Go to more off the beaten track holiday destinations.
Blog more often
Run a half marathon
Learn to play a musical instrument

Two traits I need to get out of my character;
Make bold statements that are never backed up
Make promises that are never kept

I am going to use my blog as a foundation to write a tourist(y) guide to this fair city. I shall call it "This Is Liverpool"

The Blood Arm Come to Town

I went to see The Blood Arm last at the carling academy on the off chance the band from LA had something to offer a (small) liverpool crowd. The gig had it all.

The music (said like they introduce clips in the F Word) - A hot chick on the keyboard and a sound that sounded like a mix of Muse and the song the White Stripes did about the doorbell. I really like the way they sound. I would say they had influences of The Jam as well but they didn't and i would only say it to sound like the music writers in The Independent and i am not that well versed in music so make such comments.

The crowd - A great mix of beardy fellas and young students. I hadn't shaved so i fell in between the two. They was bouncing inflated condoms, drunks rushing the stage, the band member crowd surfing with a four deep crowd (and then falling on the floor) and drunk young girls. Surely someone should be making sure kids cant buy alcohol?

The guy who introduces stuff - Made commens about the russian spy which was probaby too soon. But he was funny so all is forgiven.

Oh... and there were girls with pom poms. That was wierd.

I love gigs. Paulo Nutin is on this Wednesday (tomorrow). What should i expect. More of the same?

Liverpool is a Cold Place

Something really sad happened at the world museum and the day after I was expecting it to be the topic of conversation in the city. But to my surprise it was not. Have we become so accepting of violence in the city that when it occurs we do not raise an eyebrow? Or is it the people I meet. If i stay here much longer i might lose my humanity as well. This can be a strange confusing place.

All's cheerless, dark and deadly.

Trip to London - Trip Advisor

I am sceptical about trip advisor. I think it may be evilI am not yet a follower of those who comment on it and it is too easy to say bad things about a place when it could just be a one off occurence. As such i dont review hotels on their but i will on my blog.

Apex City Hotel, London (vs Evil Trip Advisor World)

We were greeted by a well spoken young lady and checked in quickly and efficiently so didnt have to wait in a long line in which was nice (my god couldn't the receptionist smile, it wasnt even busy. She was efficient to the extect that she was as cold as Sharon Stone in Basis Instinc. I think she kept an ice pick under the desk)

Enterance was modern and facilities looked very new (Shame they didn't oil the bloody lifts or service them once in a while. The things shook and sqeeked like a death trap. We were lucky to get out of them alive every morning)

The room was lovely (it really was)

Breakfast was served till late which was great (Bloody receptionist told us the wrong time. Bitch. Missed breakfast by half and hour on the first day)

City is in the Mood

I am feeling blogmonal. It is 9PM and I have 30 minutes in the seedy internet cafe.
Here it goes. Ignore the poor grammar and speeling (funny eh?)

Blogging to the sound of Cherry Ghost. I like

Crack House Uncovered

The flat across the hallway has aroused my suspicion for the last few months. It is the number of different people that I see going in and out. The blinds that are always closed. The strange noises I hear when I press a glass to the wall (note to self: buy pint glasses from Ikea). The thing I struggle with is the front door that is often left ajar. It is like giving me a big red button that says "Do not press". I want to wander in and find out what is going on. I know I shoudn’t but I get butterflies at the thought of doing it. It intrigues me.

Over the last couple of months I narrowed down the possibilities for what this flat holds. It is a crack flat or a halfway flat used for people smuggling. That said, going of the people I greeted on the stairs they is a pretty lucrative market in smuggling professional english men and women. It would be ironic if this was true as the passport office is the next street along.

Unable to contain my curiosity, which began to border on paranoia when I saw one of them with a camera and I through that I was being spied upon by Mi5, I confronted one of them. After several minute of interrogation she cracked. Sayeed of LOST would have been proud (Note to self: Stop giving people the impression you torture people who live in your building).

It is a travel agent. Bit of an anti climax really.

Maybe it is a cover story...

Liverpool Vs Manchester: Gay Village Dual

Apparently Liverpool is to get its own gay village down Stanley Street and it is going to give the village in Manchester a run for its money. Some people will think that appeals to me.

A couple of weeks ago I was in Cardiff, nice place with its charming buildings and late night establishments which transform from a sleepy traditional city full people called Llewelyn to a thriving party town where anything goes and the locals are as free spirited as the weather is rainy. Cardiff is truly a moveable feast.

There are a lot of men in Cardiff called Llewelyn. While I was there I was told and old welsh tale about a father who, looking for his lost son, placed and advert in the Cardiff Evening Post which read ''Llewlyn, meet me at the St David's hotel, all is forgiven, papa'' and how a local division of her majesty's police was needed to disperse the crowd that had gathered.

While in Cardiff I was in a conversation with a few poeple and I was talking about my recent documented move and how I needed to furnish the place and I did so through regular visits to IKEA. Soon after I was asked the question ''are you gay?'', ''why do you ask?'', ''because you dress well and are funny... oh and you like shopping at IKEA''

This caused me to question something.

Is IKEA a gay hang out?

Rice is Liverpools Favourite Dish

A little while ago I had a conversation with some people, perhaps Nel was one of them, not sure, about the most famous person I had ever met/seen which was on the back of spotting Charlotte Church in Tesco. I said Jimmy Carr, forgetting that I had shaken hands with the Prime Minister at the commonwealth games! I dont like to mention it normally as I messed up, couldn't think what to call him and came up with the very cheesy "good morning mr prime minister". Anyway, I was walking through Queens Square with financial affairs columnist tim (FACT) when i happened upon someone so famous to blow all other famous people into even more forgettable memories....

I saw Anika Rice(Or Anneka Rice?). You might remember her as star of 80's running bottom filming show Treasure Hunt. So excited was I that i rushed up to her PA and asked if I could have a photo which she said I could if I waited for 10 minutes until after she had been briefed. I assume this was for the filming of challenge Anika as there was a 30ft lorry parked up with "Challenge Anneka" plastered on the side. I was on my was to buy some chocolate brownies so i said i would come back later and i walked on. FACT pointed out that I may have upset Miss Rice with my impatience. I didn't go back. But I saw her close up. I love celebrity

What have I typed? I am not sure much of it makes sense. I am out of practice

Liverpool Man Fails In Valient Attempt To Train For Half Marathon

Do I need to say more?

Perhaps the less said the better. Next up... the Manchester 10k run.

Liverpool Man Vows to Break Record

Somehow I am training for a half marathon. It came up a week ago while I was tanked up on red bull and I agreed to it. My legs hurt. My thighs are like rocks. My ass is like jelly. I dont think my body likes what I am doing to it.

Running buddy came over to Liverpool with a friend to look around one of the museums. We went for drinks at the docks and inevitably, when sober, I brought up the half marathon hoping that she would laugh and say "oh golly, you know never to take me and The Freelance Photographer seriously when we come up with ideas on a night out in Preston" I dont know why I thought she would think that because the last time there was a idea coming out of a night out in Preston it resulted in thetrips to the races, three holidays and me learning to cook Jambalaya. The big idea ball gets rolling on nights out in Preston.

Anyway, she didnt say that so I put a brave face on and told her that I was training hard (which I am) and that I was thinking of going running on Southport beach like Red Rum in those Grand National build up films (which I am not) The latter was just bravado. Right word?? Scratch that. The latter was just big man talk.

Anyway, I going to run a half marathon in six weeks. I am to do it in two hours fifteen minutes. That will be a personal best beacuse I have never ever run a half marathon.

I will be running for world peace and for the bid to bring the Miss World contest to Liverpool. Both are very special causes to champion.

Tenerife Is THE Holiday Destination For Liverpudlians

Just as Scarlett and I got to know each other she has dropped a bombshell. I was sat there talking about the bizarre "Blue Angel" at the top of wood street which served blue slush puppies into the early hours and where people dare not breath in through their noses. Scarllett is upping and flying off to Tenerife for a life of sun sea and other temptations. So now I am forced to make friends with the man who sits and stares at me when I am walking down the stairs. He is a little freaky and I have never seen him blink but who else am I to gossip to about the goings on in the building? The two yound ladies across the courtyard?

Well there is an idea.

Liverpool Man Outdone

Damn it. I was having a good week. The Celebrity Gossip Columist came by and we went to see Jimmy Carr in the Philharmonic and lived it up in the Krazy House. So crazy that they spelt crazy with a K. I know. It is mental.
Do you know what else is Krazy? If you say Jimmy Carr in a Jamaican accent it sounds like Jamaica!

Anyway thinking about blogging and (not that i do it for the hits) but some Liverpudlian (Mr Liverpool Evil Cabal) has come along and published what is possibly defamatory stories just to become the most read Liverpool blog.

The swine (said like Russell on Big Brother Big Mouth)

Riots in the Streets

Who would have thought that hosting a football screening would lead to trouble in the midday sun, outdoors, with an off-licence nearby and in what is in effect a mini stadium made ofthree glass walls. Something was going to get broken.

The Catwalk Comes to Liverpool

Sophie Anderton is looking at flats in the building next to mine. I'm like totally neighbours with celebrity. (aparently she is a famous model)

Overcrowding Rife in City

There must be four or five people I have seen leaving or entering the flat across from me. Scarlett confirms this.

There is the obvious couple "Chunky Munky" - Says hello sometimes
and "Lady Dunky" - Smiles but is silent (like Mr Eko in lost) (but without the stick) (and the killing)

"Tamil Tiger Terri" - No expression - says hello (bad taste in clothes)
"Tipi Toe Vinny" - Very quite (and skinny)
"Kiss and Greet Pete" - Too touchy feelly

It is a two bedroom flat at best.

Maybe there is something going on there.

I will report back.

Hollywood Comes to Liverpool

I bumped into the lady who lives upstairs last night. She was running up the stairs in her dressing gown as I got back from a fancy dress party. I went in normal clothes and looked dull. I introduced myself and as did she. We chatted and I said it wold be nice to get a look at her flat as I am looking for idea for decor etc. She agreed. Scarlett is an actress! She was practicing her lines which were on the coffee table in her living room. She is very nice. Finally there is someone with whom i can stike up a Joey and Monica type relationship with were I can eat her food and have coffee/drinks with at The White Bar on Old Hall Street.

Was fun.

PS The door mat is back and Scarlett is the one who returned it! She said she was looking after it as she did not know who it belonged to. I believe her.

7/10 Liverpool Women Say the Wrong Name

The Office Junior came to me today. He has a problem. His lady said the wrong name when they were.. you know...with the...and the...
Anyway I couldnt belive it, after the initial shock I was thinking about the intonation she used.

John (screaming) - not all bad
John? (question) - (why wouldnt she be sure who it was?) Bad
Oh John ( like you would say shaking head in disappointment) - Very bad

In thinking about how she said it I stopped listening. I dont know how things turned out.

This week I placed and order for sofa's. Sitting on camping charis is fun for a while. But it is a short term solution to a long term problem.

Mystery Chair Appearance Baffles Residents

There is a chair in the hallway at the bottom of the sexy flight of stairs. It isnt propping a door open. It is just there.
It has been for a few days now.
It is kind of scary.
I dont know why.
It just is.

Liverpool Man Held in "Where is the Door Mat?" Enquiry

I cant ruddy belive it. Someone has half inched my "welcome" door mat.

This week Ikea will be delivering a mattress

City Welcomes New Apartments

I have my new flat (with crisp plasterwork) and now I have new people to bump into. While the Editor was moving my stuff into the place we bumped into in young lass from the flat above. She wasnt wearing very much and she was drunk and lound. But she seemed quite pleasant. We shared a few words which means that I know her better than anyone form the last building.

This week I learnt that she throws one hell of a party through to the early hours of a school night and that spills over into our courtyard. I also learnt that the guy across the courtyard is Irish and uses the word "bastard" a lot when he is angy/grumpy/woken in the early hours/sleepy.

I wasnt bothered. I have no bed so it is not like I was getting a decent night sleep anyway.

This week Ikea will be delivering a bed.

Scary Guy From Puru is Watching You!

Just got to my charming internet cafe for some quality internet time. Usually the same guy on the counter, havent seen him for a while, asked him whether he as been on holiday. He has been. He had a good time. Anyway small talk over I said I wanted the internet. He asked which PC I wanted. I told him i wanted number three or number four. He said number four. I say thank you very much. Took my seat.

South American guy couple of seats down looks at me and says "numbr three number four... thank you very much"

Now he is looking at my post

Oh my god why is he stood there?

Publish damn it publish

X Marks The Spot

X marks the resing place of my old home. The X Building with its rampaging crazy residents (who all lived close to my flat) is no longer my home. It is goodbye to the neighbour on the right who was grumpy and the new one who smoked pot in the hallway. The neighbour on left who thought he was a Sex Pistol. The neighbours below who tried to kill each other. The neighbours above who (very badly) sang Coldplay "Fix You" to the car park on Pall Mall at two in the morning. The spaniards accross the hall who bore too much chest hair. I dont live in their building any more. I have moved. Still in the city. But not in the crazy building. I will miss it.

The Editor came over to help me move and we treated ourselves to a meal at Alma De Cuba which was nice. Then we sat in and watched the apprenctice. The Editor likes Michelle. I dont see it. Her hair is too lifeless.

Anyway... I have a new flat! And it has a mezzanine floor.

Ladies Day Comes To Liverpool

Well actually Aintree is in sefton but we (yes it is we now) are going to claim it for the Liverpudlians like. Anyway...
It was ladies day yesterday!!!
I thought I would go out for a walk about 8ish last night. Nothing to do so I thought I would check up on the town. Just as I left the building it started to rain. And rain and oh my god it rain. Going will be soggy to middling today. Nevertheless I continued with my walk and I happened upon the ladies from the races with their beautiful dresses, flamboyant (right word?) hats and strappy shoes. I took comfort in the fact that they were wet through as well and at least my mascara (right spelling?) had not run leaving me looking like Alice Cooper.

For those who know. I am not in the dodgy place.