Overcrowding Rife in City

There must be four or five people I have seen leaving or entering the flat across from me. Scarlett confirms this.

There is the obvious couple "Chunky Munky" - Says hello sometimes
and "Lady Dunky" - Smiles but is silent (like Mr Eko in lost) (but without the stick) (and the killing)

"Tamil Tiger Terri" - No expression - says hello (bad taste in clothes)
"Tipi Toe Vinny" - Very quite (and skinny)
"Kiss and Greet Pete" - Too touchy feelly

It is a two bedroom flat at best.

Maybe there is something going on there.

I will report back.

Hollywood Comes to Liverpool

I bumped into the lady who lives upstairs last night. She was running up the stairs in her dressing gown as I got back from a fancy dress party. I went in normal clothes and looked dull. I introduced myself and as did she. We chatted and I said it wold be nice to get a look at her flat as I am looking for idea for decor etc. She agreed. Scarlett is an actress! She was practicing her lines which were on the coffee table in her living room. She is very nice. Finally there is someone with whom i can stike up a Joey and Monica type relationship with were I can eat her food and have coffee/drinks with at The White Bar on Old Hall Street.

Was fun.

PS The door mat is back and Scarlett is the one who returned it! She said she was looking after it as she did not know who it belonged to. I believe her.

7/10 Liverpool Women Say the Wrong Name

The Office Junior came to me today. He has a problem. His lady said the wrong name when they were.. you know...with the...and the...
Anyway I couldnt belive it, after the initial shock I was thinking about the intonation she used.

John (screaming) - not all bad
John? (question) - (why wouldnt she be sure who it was?) Bad
Oh John ( like you would say shaking head in disappointment) - Very bad

In thinking about how she said it I stopped listening. I dont know how things turned out.

This week I placed and order for sofa's. Sitting on camping charis is fun for a while. But it is a short term solution to a long term problem.

Mystery Chair Appearance Baffles Residents

There is a chair in the hallway at the bottom of the sexy flight of stairs. It isnt propping a door open. It is just there.
It has been for a few days now.
It is kind of scary.
I dont know why.
It just is.

Liverpool Man Held in "Where is the Door Mat?" Enquiry

I cant ruddy belive it. Someone has half inched my "welcome" door mat.

This week Ikea will be delivering a mattress

City Welcomes New Apartments

I have my new flat (with crisp plasterwork) and now I have new people to bump into. While the Editor was moving my stuff into the place we bumped into in young lass from the flat above. She wasnt wearing very much and she was drunk and lound. But she seemed quite pleasant. We shared a few words which means that I know her better than anyone form the last building.

This week I learnt that she throws one hell of a party through to the early hours of a school night and that spills over into our courtyard. I also learnt that the guy across the courtyard is Irish and uses the word "bastard" a lot when he is angy/grumpy/woken in the early hours/sleepy.

I wasnt bothered. I have no bed so it is not like I was getting a decent night sleep anyway.

This week Ikea will be delivering a bed.

Scary Guy From Puru is Watching You!

Just got to my charming internet cafe for some quality internet time. Usually the same guy on the counter, havent seen him for a while, asked him whether he as been on holiday. He has been. He had a good time. Anyway small talk over I said I wanted the internet. He asked which PC I wanted. I told him i wanted number three or number four. He said number four. I say thank you very much. Took my seat.

South American guy couple of seats down looks at me and says "numbr three number four... thank you very much"

Now he is looking at my post

Oh my god why is he stood there?

Publish damn it publish

X Marks The Spot

X marks the resing place of my old home. The X Building with its rampaging crazy residents (who all lived close to my flat) is no longer my home. It is goodbye to the neighbour on the right who was grumpy and the new one who smoked pot in the hallway. The neighbour on left who thought he was a Sex Pistol. The neighbours below who tried to kill each other. The neighbours above who (very badly) sang Coldplay "Fix You" to the car park on Pall Mall at two in the morning. The spaniards accross the hall who bore too much chest hair. I dont live in their building any more. I have moved. Still in the city. But not in the crazy building. I will miss it.

The Editor came over to help me move and we treated ourselves to a meal at Alma De Cuba which was nice. Then we sat in and watched the apprenctice. The Editor likes Michelle. I dont see it. Her hair is too lifeless.

Anyway... I have a new flat! And it has a mezzanine floor.

Ladies Day Comes To Liverpool

Well actually Aintree is in sefton but we (yes it is we now) are going to claim it for the Liverpudlians like. Anyway...
It was ladies day yesterday!!!
I thought I would go out for a walk about 8ish last night. Nothing to do so I thought I would check up on the town. Just as I left the building it started to rain. And rain and oh my god it rain. Going will be soggy to middling today. Nevertheless I continued with my walk and I happened upon the ladies from the races with their beautiful dresses, flamboyant (right word?) hats and strappy shoes. I took comfort in the fact that they were wet through as well and at least my mascara (right spelling?) had not run leaving me looking like Alice Cooper.

For those who know. I am not in the dodgy place.

Liverpool: The Home of Charity and Good Will

I dont know why but the walk from one end of church street to the other today was filled with charity collection folk. All of them with good causes, all of them with those little change tubs, (almost) all had stickers for the better natured shoppers so that they could show off to the world the fact that they donated loose change to a charity they know nothing about.
I wasnt in the mood for engaging these peeple. Especially when the pet recuse folk were asking for one pound a month more than the child cruelty folk.

2 pound to save a child
3 pound to save an animal

Has the world gone mad.

City's Gay Scene is Growing

Last night I was out in the city and towards the end of the night I was in the mood for going somewhere different. Maybe a strip club or a casino. But one of the lad thought we should head to the infamous Superstar Boudoir. On the door the bouncer felt it neccessary to point out that it was a gay club just in case the drag queen on the door and the groups of guys wearing dungarees did not make it obvious enough.

Anyway it was a good job that I wore my pink tie to work that day (along with my leather pants). I fit right in. Especially when I danced like a beautiful boy on a beautiful dance floor.
I was dancing like a beautiful dance whore.

Tower Blocks the Cause of Social Degregation

I live in a flat in the city centre. It is a lovely flat but my neighbours suck. The guy next door moved in a couple of weeks ago from newcastle. A more seasoned man probably in his fifties. I tried to make him feel welcome, as you do, making small talk etc. "Liverpool is a lovely place, its really on the up" i said. "Hopefully I wont be here long" was his reply. Apperently his employer sent him to t'pool against his will and given his attitute i cant blame them. The tosser even blanked me when i smiled at him in the street. The little bastard is going to regret being gumpy towards me. Its going to take an ASBO to get me off hiss ass now.
I am ging to start by putting posters in the lift inviting everyone to a party at his this weekend. Next I will steal his post from our easily accesible and not very secure post boxes.
Then I will throw my own wild parties in my flat that will involve loud music and the rest. The best bit. I will throw the parties on a school night

Ha ha ha ha ha haaa.

Liverpool Muslims Begin Holy Month

Liverpool's muslim community began fasting today from sunrise to sun set for thirty days. No food. No Drink. But Muller took the opportunity to erect a huge stand in the middle of Church street and proceeded to hand out free yogurts to all those who passed.

Is yogurt a food?
Is it a drink?
Is it a loophole?

Record Influx of Students Brings the City to Life

I went to see The Research last night with the Private Investigator. They are so funny, they have a hot chick on bass and a foxy lass on the drums. They have lyrics like "I love you but i'm scared i'll fuck it up" and the support (The Wombats) sing this things like "i guess i just miss my metro". Anyway, this story is not about the band(s).
The students are back in town. So me and the PI played how many accents can you pull in the night. A new game to me but so much fun. Where has this game been all my life? The PI score a respectable three. He claimed Scouse and Wirral accents were different but I was having none of that. They sounded the same. My score was ...
My score is another story for another time.
The academic year is going to be a lot of fun.

Liverpool Plays Host to Liam Frost

Holy shit some crazy Ukranian guy is kicking off in the internet cafe. this will be a short post...

Liam Frost played liverpool's academy. Not many people know about him but he is a very good sing a song writer type blokey. Oh, and afterwards some guy called Steven Fretwell turned up. He was shit.

I'm outta here

Public Urged to Dress Appropriately as Temperatures Soar

I have told myself that i need to cook proper food and to cut back on all the processed stuff I have been eating. The soft spot for ice cream has to stop. Mint and choc Chip. Yum.
Anyway, I have found myself spending more time indoors so I cracked open my OC box set while I cook. I love it, just like Dallas (so I am told) but with kids, a better set and proper dialogue. And with added Ryans fancy peice. The red head with the nice...
Anyway, have you notcie how they dress. The sky is blue, its California but today one of the kids had three layers on. For crying out loud I only wear three layers when I am in the snow.
Why is there no sweat dripping off their foreheads?
Is that why they are all skinny?
What will they wear when it really gets cold. Or when they go to Aspen to ski?
Its too much. I have had enough of this staying in nonsense.

95% of Liverpool Men Lack Etiquette: Shock Survey Results

A mates 21 year old sister was staying over this week. She was doing a weeks work experience in the city and since I live in the city she crashed with me. It made sense. The Editor rang before her arrival to explain the (many) rules and no go areas re friends younger sisters but I knew all about that. Honest.
We did fun things like watch the Blues Brothers and I got an education in blues music. John Coltrane is very good. Or so she said. Still dont quite get it.
We went to gigs.
We went to bars on school nights and stayed up late eating freshly made chocolate brownies.
The week went well but I learnt some things about living with a women.
1) Dont ask her to sleep on the sofa (two seater). It will make her grumpy
2) Dont comment on they way she look (scary by the way) when she has just woken up cos she will be grumpy
3) Dont tell her she can share a bed with you if the sofa is too small beacuse she is grumpy.
She is off home tomorrow and I am off on holiday.

Foreign Visitors to the City on the Increase

The Foreign Correspondant arrived in the country today and it has been over a year since I have seen him. Just a flying visit for a long weekend and on the monday I had the pleasure of his company. He came over late on sunday night and the rest of the lads joined us early morning. We were off on a road trip. I heard they did good fish and chips in Whitby so we made for the east coast. On the way the FC claimed that he wasnt getting any overseas and somehow worked into the conversation "I would sleep with anyone famous to get a story".
"Even a man?"
"Any famous woman"
"What about Fern from This Morning? Or Trisha? Or Peggy Mitchell?"
"Now or when she was younger?"
"Now, all of them"
"No, I meant to say 95% of famous women"
We listed a lot of women. the % got lower and lower. We got more twisted
"One of the Fat Ladies?"
"The Corrs but the Guy as well?" (a classic)
"Vanessa Felts?"
"That old bag that writes dirty books"
The list went on.
And on

Officials Claim Noise levels in the City Centre at 5 Year High

It was a typical night. It was about 11pm, I had drank my cup of Green and Black's hot chocolate and I was ready to sleep. But there was a muffled voice in the air. A sleepless malice was in my building. The room below to be precise. There was a couple arguing about something, ususual as in the last 4 months i have never heard them argue at all. I turned in my bed and tried to ignore them but she screams at him "how can i forgive you after what you did". They have my attention as it could be a bit of a rumpy pumpy scandel. I go to the kitchen and grab a tumbler and put it to the floor (laminate) and listen. The voices arn't clear, lots of swear words and name calling. Then the pushed the wrong button with him. He's screaming at her now. He threatens to kill her! "Get on your fucking knees" follows soon after. Then there are two screams and then silence. And more silence.
I rn to the kitchen and get me a pint glass. More silence.
I look over my balcony and consider throwing myself onto their's.
But i'm wearing Paddington Bear pyjamas. I put that aside. A life is in danger.
But its a big drop what if i hurt myself and just lie on their balcony shouting at him. That will look silly. Be a man i said to myself.
But what if their door is locked from the inside. Screw it, I'm Not a superhero. I call the police.
I let them in the building 10 mins later. I show them to the door then finally go to bed and I got some bloody sleep. Some people are so inconsiderate.

Hit and Run: Nuns Suspected

Walking down the pasta aisle in Asda, minding my own business, buying some supplies for the arrival of the consumer affairs correspondant. I was going to cook something special. Jambalaya. Never cooked it before. Probably wont again unless I turn out to be a culinary genius. Bend over to pick up some passatta (a key ingredient) which is a tomato basedsauce (to be added once the the rice is cooked but before you throw in the prawns) and someone rams a trolly into me (the backside incase you were wondering).
I compose myself and turn, to where the culprit should be, only to see two nuns heading off double speed away from the crime scence and into aisle 6 (home baking).
Thats right. Nuns.
Cant sit down properly or nothin.