Over The Top

Paintballing brought out a different side to me. We were taking heavy fire on the right flank. The enemy village was within sight, we were running low on ammo and I had thrown my last smoke grenade to provide us with as much cover as possible. The barrels we crouched behind pinged contantly as a hail of paintballs rained down upon us.

LM: "Lets do it, lets go over"

HP: "Are you crazy?!!!...!"

LM: "We can take the village"

HP: "You will kill us both and for what? For honour?"

I grabbed his overalls around his shoulder and pulled him close

LM: "For death and glory!"

We charged forward.

War war is stupid

And people are stupid

And love means nothing

In some strange quarters

It took me a while to figure that out. The penny dropped soon after I was shot in the face. I thought I was PJ and Duncan all over again.

Run Forest Run

We are paint balling tomorrow and there has been a lot of macho talk, mostly from me, which is regrettable. HP says I have been giving out too much lip this week. He thinks that there is a very strong chance of friendly fire or "blue on blue" incidents.

He has given me some tips

1) If you see something sticking out, shoot it

2) Nothing macho about being shot in the groin and not having taken any precautions

3) Move move move

4) Rambo movies are not good guidance

5) Have the heart to lose the life that people want to live (what? suicide???)

I think he was struggling a bit toward the the end. He also suggested that I should call him The General and we should follow him as he is looking to establish a new world order. The picture below is from Platoon. Perhaps something from Apocalypse Now would have been more appropriate.

Welcome To England

People are going on about asylum seekers all the time. It annoys me. I explain to them that many people who have come to this country seeking refuge have gone on to become pillars of the community. Take Paddington Bear for example. Came to London fleeing from the ethnic cleansing of bears in Peru and made this country his home. Who doesn't like Paddington Bear? I have a friend to whom Paddington is the most favourite of all the bears. This is what I tell people, some of them take it on board, others look at me like I am a mental. I wish people would treat all bears the same. With compassion.

Top Five Bears
1) Paddington Bear
2) Panda Bear
3) Koala Bear
4) Care Bears
5) Winnie the Poo

Note Rupert is not on the list. That is because it is a stuck up, upper middle class, public school, good for nothing, boring bear. And he wears rubbish trousers the brandy drinking, golf club membership owning, Tory voting pompus twit.

Losing It

If anyone has lost some Ford keys on Bixteth Street then they are in the hallway in my building. They have been there for a while. I find a lot of things in my building. On one occasion I found a small boy. I didn't get any thanks for re-uniting him with his parents.

Top Five Finds
1) Small Boy
2) £10 on the street
3) Richard James shirt for £20 in the sale
4) 100 year old Kipling book (for £10)
5) Rosetta Stone

Something is Leaking

The couple in the ground floor flat are very pleasant people and this weekend they threw a party to celebrate their one year wedding anniversary. Not that I was invited, they just put a note under my door to say that they will be loud. I don't mind... really, I don't.

There was a bit of an after party party tonight which again I don't mind but if they think that they can tell their mates to pee in the plant pots in the court yard then they are very much mistaken. Especially when I happen to have my head out of my window (three floors up) as the guy whips out his Mr Johnson. I shouted down just before he got warmed up and told him that it was not a good idea.

His response was "but there is no options" as he pointed at the party (with his finger!).

At the age of 26 I think I have turned into a grumpy old man. Now where did I leave my slippers...

Clock of Anonymity Removed

I have decided to show myself on this blog for the first time. With a bit of help from HP I have been busy creating another alter ego. This is what i would look like if I starred in an episode of the Simpsons.

Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner

I have a 18:04 train to catch from London Euston

17:00 sit down with Alfie and Josh in the Giraffe restaurant in the Brunswick. A farewell meal.
17:30 "Euston is only 2 minutes walk from here" says Josh (the local)
17:45 "We better ask for the bill"
17:50 We leave the restaurant, Josh leads the way
17:55 We arrive at Kings Cross St Pancras. I wont repeat what Alfie and I said to Josh.
17:59 Why wont the traffic lights turn red to that I can cross the road. I can see the station entrance
18:03 flying down platform 4, I see a Virgin train it must be the one.

18:04 The realisation that it wasn't

Another night in London town? The place is growing on me. I am starting to feel at home.

"Josh Lyman's office"

Josh has come good and is now Campaign Manager for a Cabinet Minister so Alfie and I met up with him on Friday night for a few drinks in St Stephens Tavern so we could catch up on antics in Whitehall. He provided a fascinating insight into the psyche of political operators in the centre of UK democracy. He also mentioned that the Houses of Parliament has its own Florist and that you can buy a pair of tights in there for £1.50. I know this information may appear to irrelevant at the moment but it may be worth remembering anyway.

Hunger set in around 9pm so we sought out a chippy in Covent Garden which sounded more and more amazing as the journey (long walk) continued. When I arrived the chips were worth the walk but the place was closer to an east end allotment than the Hanging Gardens of Babylon that it was described as.

We were joined at the chippy by Alfie's house mate Ainsley who showed us some of the finer establishments in the West End. Ainsley intrigued me, not because she is the daughter of a Premiership football manager, for purely none footballing reasons. Plus we saved each other from a very loud man in a bar by using a combination of our body language and well timed remarks (More sophisticated than crossing our arms and calling him names I assure you) (I wanted to do that but he was bigger than me). Although soon after I did have to explain the rules.

Top 5 Chippys
1) Cross Street Chippy Preston
2) The place we went to in Covent Garden
3) Rays Plaice in Rawtenstall
4) The place in Whitby with the Young Fish Fryer of the Year
5) Somewhere in Southport. Not exactly sure where.

I'll meet you by the underground

Met Alfie at Euston Station for the start of a new journey on Thursday, hopped on the back of his Classic Vespa and headed up to road to the Jazz Cafe to see Skye. She is awesome, great performer and has a very endearing character.

Afterwards I went for Japanese food for the first time. It was lovely but Alfie had to remind me that noodles and spaghetti are not the same thing and are not to be eaten in the same manner.
"Put the fork down" was the phrase of the day.

Running through my life right now I don't regret a thing
The things I do just make me laugh and make me wanna drink
I'd like to meet a mad man who makes it all seem sane
To work out all these troubles and what there is to gain
I'm falling

Phone Wars

Mobile phone wars are dangerous. Things get out of hand.

Someone got hold of HP's phone and sent "Dont worry she will never find out" to his girlfriend
The response was swift, later that day HP snached a ringing phone and I heard "He cant talk now because he has something in his mouth"
This was followed with text to HP's Dad that said "In the bath thinking of you"

Pirates of the Liverpool

I hate good byes, especially the big ones. The important ones. As a distraction I offered an emerency wind up mobile phone charger and a good bye present. Funky eh? Wind up is the future. I've tasted it. Ew, weird.

Later that evening I met up with the Pirate Queen and we caught up over a couple of mojitos in Lago. Unfortuately we dont often have the chance to catch up as my management consultancy business is starting to take off and PQ is spending more and more time on the ones and twos DJing. We agreed another meeting in the next two weeks in the famed Blue Angel on Seel Street and I have sourced a rare pirate pouch for her, recovered from a 18th century pirate ship sunk by HMS Bounty in the Carribean.

I enjoy my business, I use it as an opportunity to invent management phrases that make no sense. Especially as I work as a consultant for a sandwich company. Here are my top five favourites

1) Focused extended competence
2) Radical group wide enterprise
3) Total enhanced competence
4) Strategic integrated solution
5) Holistic re-engineered scenario

College Reunion : Strictly Come Dancing

The second night of the college reunion is traditionally a themed party and this year it was a Strictly Come Dancing theme, there was a Bruce Forsythe look-a-like and the works. Unfortunately, Chip had gone home during the day so good company was harder to come by. Thankfully, I bumped into Hannah the Occupational Therapist who was my dancing partner from a previous reunion and we hit the dance floor. I had been coached the night before by some seasoned dancers who had come up from London especially for the dance off and they gave me pointers (Hands and arms closer to my hips not my head, no more pointing, no more biting lower lip, confident smile).

As the night went on I became more and more confident and I can remember running/dancing on one spot. I am sure it looked good(?).
I didn't want the night to end, even when the music stopped Hannah and I kept dancing. We had to do it by singing Queen - Don't Stop Me Now. The only problem is my voice gets croaky at 2am and neither of us new the words.... It didn't stop us

Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time Just give me a call
Don't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time)
Don't stop me now (Yes I'm having a good time)
I don't wanna stop at all

College Reunion : The Manchester Diaries

I like the reunions as often you meet people who who have never met before or you meet people you only see at the reunion. I was working the crowd last night, I was feeling confident as I was wearing my Bat Fink t-shirt which means that I don't have to come up with an opening line. People do the work for me. Lazy, I know.

To my surprise the opening line I got was someone calling my name when I had no idea who they were. It was a guy who now works for the Chile Information Project so we will call him Chip. Chip knew one of the minxes and as a result knew a lot about me (scary).

Chip and I got on great (ignore his comment about my girly looking nails) and he taught me about the "Cointreau Wave". Then he showed me the wave. I waved, he waved and then we parted company so that I could continue to work the crowd. I look forward to seeing Chip next year.

Over and over and over and over and over
Like a monkey with a miniature cymbal
The joy of repetition really is in you
Under and under and under and under and under
The smell of repetition really is on you
And when I feel this way I really am with you

College Reunion

Every June my old college arranges a two night reunion and each year it is hosted in a different UK city. This year it is held in Manchester which is where I will spent the next couple of nights. I don't have high hopes this year as on the way over to Manc a crow flew itself, kamikaze style, into a van I was driving behind and looped onto my windscreen. I hope it was the wind blowing it bent wing and that it was not still alive as i swept it into the middle lane with my wiper. Surely this cant be a good sign? (rhetorical)

Its face haunts me in my sleep.

To make matters worse i was accosted by a stripper called Bailey. I wont go into it

Is This A Dagger Which I See Before Me?

Been out hunting this week in the peak district. I learnt quickly that I was rubbish at it so I picked on some easier targets.
You may judge but when you have to feed youself you have to hunt.
If you are rubbish at fishing etc you get hungry.
If you are hungry and you come across this (below) you think all your prayers have been answered.
So I asked myself, what would Ray Mears do?
Lucky I packed my Marks and Spencer BBQ marinade (and a knife).

Get a taste in my mouth
As desperation takes hold
Is it something so good
Just cant function no more?
When (my) love (of BBQ chicken), love will tear us apart again

When The Sun Hits The Sky

Feeling a little under the weather and I still don't have GP in the city so I headed off to the NHS walk in centre on Great Charlotte Street. If you are thinking of going be aware they ask strange questions. Most of them ask for simple answers; name, address date of birth.
But then they ask hypotheticals;
Where would you go if you didn't come here?
If all the seat were taken would you stand or sit on the floor?
Would you be more comfortable wearing corduroy trousers in the day or evening?
It was all a little bit weird

Top 5 Pies
1) Chicken and mushroom with a yorkshire pudding on top (served in The Wellington in Preston)
2) Star Gazy Pie (heard about this yesterday)
3) Pizza Pie
4) 3.14
5) Apple Pie

When The Sun Goes Down

I found myself in the Anglican Cathedral's grave yard last night and believe you me it is a scary place. I was with a guy called Artichoke who was scary enough and he was showing me the supernatural side of Liverpool. He also showed me the pyramid grave in the grounds of St Andrews church on Rodney Street. Legend has it that William McKenzie, who is buried there, was quite a gambler and one night he was challenged by a mysterious dutch man called Mr B.L Ze Bob (who always wore red shoes) to a game of poker.

Mr McKenzie was a wealthy man, and a known womaniser, who prospered as Liverpool developed into the major shipping port in the world . However, he did have a soft spot for one bit of strumpet who unfortunately died at a young age which made McKenzie angry. So angry that he threw his bible into his living room fire and became an atheist (back in the day being an atheist and a bible burner was not the done thing). Anyway... the game of poker.

Mr Ze Bob and McKenzie played into the early hours of the morning and things were not going well (for McKenzie) and he lost everything! Mr Ze Bob offered a chance to win everything back. The condition was that McKenzie must wager his soul on the last hand.
You would think, being an atheist, this wouldn't bother him but McKenzie fell to his knees and cried like a girl when he lost. Mr Ze Bob laughed and said (with big booming voice) "Do not cry my defeated foe, I will not take your soul until you are laid to rest in your grave." There was then a puff of smoke and the geezer was gone.

McKenzie, thinking this opponent may have been Lucifer, came up with a great plan. If on his death he was buried above the ground then Lucifer could not claim his prize.
So he is buried in here, entombed, sitting at a table holding a winning hand against his chest.


Top 5 Ghosts
1) Casper
2) Obi Wan Kenobe
3) Patrick Swayze
4) The old librarian at the start of Ghostbusters
5) Dementors

Turn Forever Hand In Hand

Russell Brand and I were chatting on the south back of the Thames about this and that. We look like a modern day Laurel and Hardy with his skinny jeans and my broadening (is that a word?) upper body and baggy t-shirts. Unfortunately the joys of people watching when in one spot can be quite ephemeral so we hopped on a big red open top bus and took a tour of London as evening drew in.

My dreams are getting stranger and stranger.

Top 5 Comedians, Comedy Actors and Comedy Duos
1) Dave Spikey
2) Jimmy Carr
3) Morecambe and Wise
4) Richard Prior and Gene Wilder
5) Lenny Henry Ricky Gervais

We Live and Die In These Towns

Walking down Victoria Street in Liverpool today was the place to be. Everyone was out, tourists with snapping cameras, well dressed men with slicked back hair and their tidy wives.
There was one curly haired man who stood out from the crowd, not because he had big curly blond hair and was wearing shorts and flips flops. He stood out because he was Ben Lunt from Shipwrecked and he had a crowd of girls hanging off him. So much fame in such a short time is impressive which makes me wonder, who are my top five famous Liverpudlians?

Top 5 Famous Liverpudlians
1) Mike Myers
2) Kim Cattrall
3) Cilla Black
4) Craig Charles
5) Tom Baker

Away From Here

Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! What a great time at the cricket. Myself and the Playwright headed off to Old Trafford with our brie and grape sandwiches, my new sun hat and a six pack of cold beers (security took these from us and the front door) but I would burn in the fires of hell before they took my hat. Not that they wanted it, they just wanted the beers. A bit of a waste of a speech and my big voice.

It was a great day of cricket and to top it all we had three streakers!!! The strangest thing was when one of the streakers approached our stand men who had not taken a photo all day whipped out their cameras to record the memory. Unusual.

Anyway, exciting times, Playwright and I are joining the boys and girls for a break in the hills of Derbyshire on one weeks time. When i spent more time with the group we did lists, you know, Top 5 Cheese's (mmm)/Girl Bands (grrr)/Famous people you have seen (and touched) (ooh) etc.

In anticipation of my holiday I will be remembering my favourite Top 5's for the next seven days. Today it is...

Top 5 TV Animals
1) The Littlest Hobo (He would have stayed with me)
2) Diefenbaker (from Due South)
3) Skippy
4) Kermit The Frog (dont argue)
5) Big Bird

Are You Pushing It Out?

Did you ever make a compilation tape for a girl back when you were at school, record all the supposedly meaningful songs in your life on there and post it anonymously hoping that the recipient would understand what it all meant?

No?

Me neither.

Anyway, I cant believe what happened on Big Brother. Trust me to develop a soft spot for a racist, it is like what happened with Danielle Lloyd and that one from Girls Aloud.
Although with Danielle Lloyd it was just lust and with Girls Aloud it was by default.

You Can Call Me Al

The Rugby Correspondant called friday night, his boys from Cardiff had come up for the weekend and they were about in in the city tasting its delights. I met up with them on the docks and they were well into their eveing. Could have something to do with the fact that I fell asleep after i got back from work and only met them at 21:30. What? It had been a long week.

Anyway, these guys were big guys. I am not short or skinny but these guys were big guys.
I showed them all the prime sights in Liverpool. We hung out in Modo and Alma De Cuba before heading off to my favourite, 3345.

They were stuck for things to do on the saturday and the two things that came to mind were paintballing and clay pigeon shooting. It is worring that the only suggestions for man activities were gun related but it gave me a chance to show off some of my skill. Such was my accuracy on saturdays paintballing trip one of the lads said to me "If you'll be my bodyguard I can be your long lost pal". This guy intrigued me. In a group of laddish lads surrounded by all that testosterone he came across as a male Mae Rose Cottage. I liked him.

However, now he keeps calling me Betty. There have been some late nights this weekend.

And all the people of the lulled and dumbfound town are sleeping now.
You can hear the dew falling, and the hushed town breathing.
Only your eyes are unclosed, to see the black and folded town fast, and slow, asleep.

Marriage Is Like Driving Down A Pretty Road

Or at least that is what I am told. It was one of the boys wedding this weekend (one of the boys from Amsterdam) so off to Aintree racecourse we went with Ikea vouchers in hand. I had been looking forward to the wedding for a while and to my surprise I bumped into the Liverpool Night Life Columnist and the Liverpool Fashion Columnist. I had not seen them since they tried to persuade me to go back to the Blue Angel on my birthday for some blue vodka slush which is the establishment's trademark drink. That stuff is potent.

The wedding was great and everything went well. Bride looked beautiful, food was tasty and I danced like Carlton Banks which is expected and on occasions is demanded of me. The dancing was broken up with revelations about the stag do from the rest of the Amsterdam 10. The favourite story among the group was how an inflatable, but deflated, sheep found its way into my satchel as I approached security in Schipol Airport.

I laugh about it now.

Dreams of Amsterdam

Shiverpool

I am going to increase my knowledge of spook, ghouls and ghosts so that i can find an answer to what is going on in my flat. Is it haunted? Who is haunting it? Are there real life ghostbusters?

Step one, I am going on a ghost tour of Liverpool.
Step two, do some research into ghost hunting etc
Step three, do a Ouija board

Step three I am not looking forward to. I need volunteers

And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!

Resolve

I am neglecting my blog a little bit as I am in Cardiff enjoying company of old friends. Old friends who i will be taking to the electric brae in July. Anyway, I have news.

I think my flat is haunted. Not in a scary way but haunted non the less. I keep finding cutlery bent out of shape and plates moving around the flat at night. I havenet seen any moving plates. But there were not where i left them. The bulding is 150 years old so it has history. Perhaps a spoon bender lived there once. Maybe a previous carnation of Uri Geller. Who knows?

I looked in the mirror this moringing and realised why i am always behind the camera. I need sleep. I find myself chasing sunsets again. The stress is chasing me towards them.



A little bit of resolve is what I need now
Pin me down, show me how

Love Is In The Air

My home girl (PJ) and her fella (Duncan) have made a very special announcement. They are getting married!!! I am very happy for them. Apparently there is to be an engagement party on the day of my house party so that killed off my plans in an instant. I have known Vera since I was 11 but I have not met Duncan yet. I imagine I should get to know him soon. I have heard nice things about him. We will have to take him to Amsterdam for his stag do. Then we will have a little talk



One of the possible locations for the party is Liverpool's newest ode to communist architecture. The Malmaison Hotel.

If You Want To Drown Her..

There is only once place in the world where you can go shopping for a length of chain and be told a a total stranger that if it is for wrapping around my wife that it needs to be a little more heavy duty. That place is the B and Q in preston. I was looking to secure a garden bench in my folks house. He thought I was looking to serve 15- 20 for murder. Nice guy but obviously a nutter.

After this incident I chased the sun to Southport beach. It helps me relax. It looked like this

Before you ask... I wasn't dogging. I dont even know what that means.
If you suggest that was then I will tie you up in chains and leave you for the seagulls.

PS The seagulls in merseyside are very scary, the make noises like monkeys.

Its Not Very Pretty I Tell Thee

I went out last night for a few drinks while me and the boys watched the most dull game of football ever. On my travels I got very mixed responses to my new t-shirt which reads "I Poke Badgers With Spoons". It had the effect of scaring a lot of people away. I dont like scaring people away but I am doing it more and more often.
That is not my intent and the consequences I may live to regret. Anyway, that was last night and I just got home to this. The picture was sent to me via www.facebook.com



It would not bother me but my place will look like this until the weekend. I am so lazy.

PS for those of you who have never met me look carefully and you can see my left foot. Exciting isn't it

I Am Not A Violent Man... But

A few of us went out this weekend to celebrate me hitting the age of 26. I like RnB so we headed to the Camel Club on Wood Street and we were having a good time. HP brought a lady friend who was very pleasant and friendly. I duly took on the role of wing man. Not sure what being a wing man means but I have always wanted to be one. Better that than being a fluffer.

I was in confident mood as I was wearing a fresh bottle of Sex Panther and we men talked about techniques to pick up women. Chester Phil told us that the last time he was in Liverpool he found that putting a women in a headlock and telling her she had pulled did the trick. This was in the Blue Angel which speaks for itself.

Soon after this conversation I headed to the bar with FACT and saw a very drunk/stoned man put his hands on the neck of one of the women in the group. I am a reasonable man but that seemed to set off some kind of chemical in my body that made me somewhat angry and irrational. After explaining to the man in very clear terms that he would leave the club unable to have children if he did it again the response he came up with was to ask which one of the women he could touch. Not the right question to ask someone in the mood I was in.

I was close to hitting him. Chester Phil wanted to put him in a head lock. FACT wanted to break his legs. HP nearly killed him with the look he gave him.

I don't like this part of my character that I have unleashed. Violent, aggressive and without conscience. Unchecked it may cause me some trouble;
paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get me,
just say you never met me,
i'm going underground with the moles,
i'm not sick but i'm not well
and i'm so hot cause i'm in hell



This is my peaceful place.

Glamorous

The Traveller was in town looking for houses to buy in Kensington and Tuebrook as an investment. It has been a while since we had been out so I acted as a tour guide for the city and as I am already an 08 ambassador it was a role I felt very comfortable with.

We had not met since we crashed a party on the HMS Belfast on the Thames and as the only ships in dock in Liverpool were cargo ships we decided to stayed on land. I thought T would feel at home in Newz which is so funky if you are into porn set styled, Hollyoaks star filled, city centre bars. Over drinks T tried to persuade me so move down to London and as T is well connected could give a head start looking for a move up. Given that FACT is already down there it is one to think about.

Anyway, a good night and in ended with something I did not see coming. I never saw T as that kind of person. But T knows about poetry so at the end of the night we free styled our favourites back and forth. Very unexpected.

I saw T off this morning. T fears the car a mate lent may not make it all the way back as it was leaking more oil than the Exxon Valdez. Looking at the pool of oil left on the road he may be right.

Cloths of Heaven

It was Grand National weekend and people were out and about in their finest dresses and suits yesterday looking for that big win. I picked the very talented Philson Run who came in fourth at 66/1. I tell you that each way bet was a sound investment. I ran out to the local music shop and bought myself a guitar with my winnings. I have dreamed of owning one for years and to learn to play Asturias like Andres Sergova. I am going to keep it quiet until I have learnt my trade as some people will probably make fun of my dreams

I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

Northern Hospitality

It has been one busy easter. In the middle of trips to one end of the country to another end of another I found time to put in quality time with the Hyndburn Photographer. Not many people understand HP like I do. We bond. We connect. If all else fails I tease him about his younger sister Betty. I have always had a soft spot for her, but in that nice friend of an older brother way, even though she has the longest toes in the world. My god you should see them. It is like Bilbo Baggins down there. She can work things like "My Left Foot" with those bad boys. She could play a guitar with them. Or prepare a salad.

Anway we bumped into Betty Long Toes and she was looking delicious as always. I invited BLT up to my place for dinner at the end of the month as it is my birthday. It should be a good night. I still have the largest stock of Absolut Vodka this side of Finland for the boys and girls to dispose of. I will be slipping it into everyone's drinks.

Later that day I went for something to eat with HP and he was telling me how he is looking forward to his southern mates team playing Burnley next season if they get promoted.
I asked "are you going to show him some nothern hospitality?"
He replied "Of course, we will go for a few beers, see the game, then me and the lads will take him out back and kick t' shit out of him"
I do miss HP.

Reflections

I learnt something today. When you have a flat with crisp white walls and a jar of pesto with the lid not fastened as secure as you would hope. Dont give the jar a good shake. It gets messy.

Today I have learnt that life isn't all biscuits and sandwiches.

Twisting My Melon

I was watching VH1 and Pet Shop Boys "Heart"was playing, the one with the vampire and the bride. The wierd thing was I am pretty sure that the vampire is played by none other than Burnley's own Sir Ian Mckellen. Gandolf in a Pet Shop Boys video! That would normally be enough to twist my melon but there is more.

Manchester was a lot of fun. I especially enjoyed meeting the Hyndburn Correspondant's(HC) sister after many long years. After a night of surprises for friends who have not seen me for a while (with the drinking and smoking) we were having a good time and HC got us in to the Press Club which is supposed to be an exclusive late night venue where the Corrie stars hand out. Not that I would know any of them. between you and me I was hoping to spot Lucy Meacock. For so long i have hidden my affection for her. Perhaps tonight would be the night. That would have make me very happy.

Anyway, dont be dissapointed if you cant get in to the Press Club as it is little more than a working mens club with a sticky floor. Anyway, I was in the gents and this guy stood next to me. Typical manc guy with the manc accent giving all the "all right" "im buzzin" and the like. Scruffy fellow and his cloth was poor i thought. Anyway, it turns out it was Bez from the Happy Mondays.

That was the highlight of my night. He does dance like a monkey on acid though. This was a really good night out. In fact it was such a good night out if you were not then then you are a loser (as HC put it). I agree with him

60% Of The Time It Works Every Time

Off to manchester tonight. I have invested in a new grey jumper after I burst out of the last one like the hulk. It is merino wool and very soft to touch. They did a study and appently 60% of women find men who wear grey jumpers irresistable. It is going to be a night where I will have to enfore the rules strictly. It is the Hyndburn Correspondants birthday and I putting myself up in a nice hotel with FACT (Financial Affairs Correspondant Tim) who I shall now refer to as Tim. This causes a problem as how do I refer to my juggling mentor (and writer of A Free Man in Preston). I shall call him Bob. I miss Bob.

Anyway, myself and Tim are in the same room as neither of us could get in anywhere cheap and at made financial sense (as you would expect when Tim is involved). The idea is weirding me out. What if he wants to snuggle?

Amsterdam Nights 3

I wake up in a sweat. My heart is racing. I look around trying to figure out if I am still dreaming. But there is no sign of Danielle Lloyd and one of the german women in bikinis wrestling in an inflatable swimming pool filled with warm baby oil. Ronnie corbett is not refereeing in a black and white striped shirt. It was all a dream.

Reality is far different. The german chicks are long gone. The new leader of the passepartout (the stag) is ordering me out of bed and into the shower
"No time for breakfast!"
"Get packed in the next five minutes!"
"Find the room keys!"
I guess the holiday is over. But it was worth it.

I learnt how to bimble. And I love it

Amsterdam Nights 2

My short stint as mother duck is over. In a coup d'etat the group decided that my methods of giving directions was oppressive and a new regieme has taken over. It didn't bother me but one of the passepartout compared me to a modern day Idi Amin (without the cannibalism). I felt this was a little harsh.
Is is morning two, breakfast is two fried egss and toast. That was breakfast yesterday morning. It will be breakfast tomorrow.

My recently purchased towel is the best purchase of the trip so far as it became apparent soon after arrival that the hotel did not provide them. However, the trip to the Heineken Brewery is a close second. I tried my first Heineken. It was crisp smooth and of premium quality. None of that mattered as it tasted really really bad and i gave my remaining tokens for the free drinks to the group. I wish i had taken a picture of the table we were on. The number of drinks out numbered the people around it by 3 to 1. I wanted to think that was because the drinks were free. But this was one constant throughout this second day.

My head hurts and I have found an inflatable sheep in my satchel.
I dont know where it came from.

Amsterdam Nights 1

I blog from my hotel reception today. It is my first morning in amsterdam.

You would think that a hotel with free internet access would be up to my normal standards but last night I slept on a bunk in a room with five other bunks. There are ten of us in this room. It is a stag do. The man on top of me snores like a kitten purrs. It is very soothing.

I have become immune/de-sensitised to what I see here. It is weird that I have become so accepting of what I see. Highlight of last night was walking one of the passepartout home after he indulged a bit too much. We have adopted an all for one and one for all rule. This was despite my objections. So when he fell asleep standing on his feet with his eyes open we all walked him home.

We bumped into a lovely hot german couple who have struggled with their reservation. The two hot girls told the hostel/hotel they would arrive at 1. They (the hot girls) turned up at 7 and were told their room has been given to someone else. A little harsh I thought (on the hot girls).

I am trying to pursuade the group to let them stay in our room as it is the right thing to do.

Forever the humanitarian.

The Bus

I rode the bus today! I enjoyed it. A lot. I handed my car in to be serviced and I had no alternative. I hold nothing against buses but I have not used one for a while. It was nice to sit with random people. It had a wierd vibe. I like stangers. We made small talk. I found out the orign of the phrase "woolly back" and aparently I am one.

When I got off I felt great. I look forward to my next trip. This week I am going to ride a plane.

On a slightly different note I have done something I regret. I went to visit my folks in my home town and the following morning made a trip to the local supermarket looking for breakfast stuff. I had not shaved, was wearing an old Century 105 t-shirt some baggy jogging pants and an old jacket. I didnt really care as it was a quick in and out thing. But I bumped into someone. I looked at and this person and thought "wow, that guy looks like John (old schoool friend), only older and bald" It was John! (John was a scientist and he was hooked on LSD, interested in mind control and why the monkey held the key). I looked like a bum. He thinks I am a bum. I need to change my friends reunited message or the rest of my old scocial circle is going to think i am a bum.

I can relate to someone I know (they will kill me if i say who) who had a car accident on the one day she work underwear with a hole in it. She was gutted when the doctors saw it.

Gay Paris

I have given up with the headline thing. It is too much hard work. I just got back from Paris which was lovely and provided me with pleanty of oppotunity to work on my cheese puns like switching the word better for fetta. Passepartout quickly told me that my puns were getting a bit grating and that I should stop. So I did. Up until now. Sorry.

Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine

I met a lady after I went to see James Morrisson in Manchester. He was very good and I met "Jenny" (actually her real name but I wanted to use the Killer's lyric so threw my principle of not naming people out the window) in the gay village and she did not like dolphins! What the hell? If it wasnt for the fact that she fascinated me the conversation would not have lasted much longer. She thought that they were the care in the community equivalent of the sea world. Talking to her to very enjoyable, she was intoxicating. I must catch up with her in the future.

Anyway, I just remembered that I had promised to meet up with an old school friend last summer and never came through. It wasnt like one of those "yeah yeah will catch up soon" jobbies it was a proper agreement. I cant arrange somethin now six months down the road. That is far too cheeky. I also have a confession. I have a three year old email from another friend which I kept with the intention of writing back.

Once Upon A Time In Cardiff

I was worried as I travelled down to Cardiff and not just because I staged what turned into the most dangerous overtaking manoeuver in history. It was beacuse I was meeting the four (previously three) minxs and the football league reporter and I thought they would poke fun at my freaky hairy fingers as they did on the last trip. Worse still they may spot that I have stumpy fingers to match. However hobbit boy escaped this attention and we concentrated on having a good time. I was outdone when it came to 'i have never' but then who has every gone joy riding in a milk float! I heard that this feat was repeated over the weekend.

Had we been playing today I could have said that "I have never shoplifted". It turns out that the magazines in waterstones (the glossy ones) should be paid for (£2.50). I must have looked like the most cocky theif this side of fagans den. I only realised when I got home. I dont know what to do. Should I return the read magazine, pay for it or keep quiet?

The trip went well, there was dancing, including some dancing with drunk men who smelt of cheese and hung aroung looking like a middle aged west side story gang. They were funny. I have video footage.

I also vaguely remember doing my very well oiled robot and MC Hammer dances. Perhaps it is for the best that the minxs and my paths may never cross again. The minxs had a warmth about them, could draw a smile from any person and all had a glint in their eyes.

Editors comments - under no circumstances should this post been interprited as condoning theft or joyriding. Criminality in any form, although humourous in certain circumstances, is not big and is not clever

Valentines Day Blues

My word I did not think study would be so intensive that I would be sat at my desk on valentines day studying about... well you really dont need to know. Still I have some chocolates for comfort. They are shaped like hearts and taste like an autumn sunset (and milk chocolate). There is also the light at the end of the tunnel that I am off to Cardiff this weekend to meet up with the three minxs' and the football league reporter.

I am going to introduce the group to "I have never" - the hilarious drinking game. They say the devils water aint so sweet but the City of Cardiff is where that isnt quite true. I will try to be good.

I know i have neglected this part of my life, as i have neglected many other things recently, but bear with me. I have been poorly sick. I think it is man flu but i am not sure. My symptoms are as follows;
the sniffles
body aches
feel sorry for myself
dependancy on night nurse
desire to be waited on day and night

I have also been feeling really home sick lately (unusual) and with this I have lost my va va voom. I feel like something is missing but I dont know what. It is wierd. I am not sure if it is desire for adventure of a feeling that I have not achieved. I cant remember the last good deed I did (worrying). I dont know if I need purpose, inspiration(like what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity), guidance or something to drive me. I have listened to 'Hurt' by Johnny Cash a lot(depressing). Feel like I am running on empty at the moment and it is probably just the man flu getting me down.

If my life was a Tom Cruise film I would be at the point where I am having a crisis of confidence but i will emerge from this stronger, more successful and supported by more uplifting music. Like when Goose died in Top Gun and he went on to save that big boat with the headmaster from Back To the Future on it.

Too descriptive?
Sorry.
I will tone it down.

Aussie Rules

It is not often that it happens but it did last night. I bumped into someone who lives in my building. She was as surprised as me. She has been in the building for a month and had not seen another soul.

The lady was Sheila from Melbourne. We got chatting and she told me she worked for Typhoo to which responded "oooooh". From the look on her face she had heard that one before.
We got on and we popped into the White Bar on Old Hall Street which is in effect my local. She had just got back from the USA where she had been tornado hunting like in the film but apparently without the melodrama (and death). She struck me as a bit of a freespirted person, based on the electric blue highlights in her hair, but she was fun. The only thing is she does not understand the rules which makes me feel a little awkward.
That and the fact that she keeps calling me Mike. I am not sure why, i did correct her several times and believe me that is not close to me real name.

Liverpool Man' Stalker Hell

I think the couple who lived across the courtyard have moved out. You know them, young ladies who used to hoover up in their underwear. Anyway, the lights have been off for a week and I sat at my window for an hour and I could not see any movement.

I am not sure if have explained myself. The flats in the building all have bedrooms on a mezzanine floor so when I sit on my sofa and look at the TV the angle means I can see them in their bedroom. It is their fault for not pulling the blinds down. I am the victim here.

I should not have to see them prancing aroung when I am eating my TV dinner.

Anyway, I am glad they have gone, last week their alarm was going off for ages and I could not sleep.

80mph Winds Delay Firework Display

It is expected that 80 mph winds will run through Liverpool streets tomorrow so I have bailed and headed for safer shores inland. I am in my native home in East Lancashire.

Chrismas passed without a hitch. Everyone got their gifts, everbody liked their gifts, everybody got me gifts. Not that that is what it is all about.

I found inspiration. It came to me in a moment of clarity late in the shopping day. I do like to wait to see how things turn out if I apply some pressure.

Christmas eve in Liverpool is cool. We partied until all hours. I dont think i got home until midnight. We were doing it all, checking out the 'talent', 'dancing' and I 'put my hands up for New York'.

I can still cut it.

Stars Come Out At Knight

I have done most of the christmas present shopping (bar for one special person for whom I seek inspiration). I am in St Johns shopping centre at the moment taking in the festive atmosphere (and desperately seeking inspiration). I have staged a bit of a coup with regards to the Hyndburn Correspondant. I bought him Making Waves by David Hasselhoff. I think he will really like it.

I was told that they sell for about £80 on ebay if they are signed. And guess what? This one is signed!!! (not by me silly)

To reduce the risk of this gift ending up in an auction i put a little message in the inside cover. It reads:

"The Hoff told me (when he signed this book) about how much he missed his friends back home. Especially those who he cares about the most. But his firends know that he cares for them and when their need is most they can call upon him for help (and the occasional sentimental word of wisdom [Post dramatic aquatic rescue CPR]).
I like to think there is a little bit of 'The Hoff' in all of us.
Merry Christmas
Liverpool Man"

Merry Christmas to you all.

Friends Reunited

I just had a look at my Friends Reunited profile which was dated to say the least. It is strange that I very rarely struggle to describe myself (for personal ads etc) but when it comes to that website I struggle.

The best I could come up with was:
"I live in Liverpool now. It can be as scary as it sounds".

I think this is poor, especially considering that I dont think it is that scary here and I was playing into the stereotype for a cheap laugh that was not even funny. I suppose the arguement I could make is that I was being ironic. But it it not well thought out irony. It's just words.

I think I have given this too much thought already and inexplicably I have Natural Blues by Moby in my head.
The one that goes "oh lordy, trouble so hard,
don't nobody know my troubles but God"

Innuendo is Rampant

I asked someone today if they wanted to go for a sandwich with me and one of the columnists. This was interpreted as something a bit naughty. Maybe it is the time of the year.

On an unrelated subject. I got a text from the Manchester Gossip Editor which read "Oh my God. How amazing was that? Whooooo ;)"

I had no idea what they were on about. But if messages like that are read out of context then things can get out of hand.

I am still trying to find out what the context was.

Liverpool is a City Full of FAT(ties)

And I am one of them. FAT is the term used for Festive Automotive Tension (or road rage) (or at least that is what I read). Apparently it is on the increase in cities as people rush around trying to buy christmas presents.

So far the best ideas I have come up with are a sky diving voucher (for a friend who hates heights) and a sat nav system (for a friend who does not drive). I am struggling this year. I will come up with something. I HAVE to come up with something.

Anyway, I am going to get rid of some of my pre christmas chunkyness with some regular exercise. I play football on friday lunchtimes and this is where i realised that i need to start training properly. 30 minutes into a 60 minute game i lost my legs. It was worse fot the opposing team as i struggled to keep up with attacking players and started to chop them down in a cynical Greame Souness style. I perhaps would not have been so aggressive if i had not turned up to football late beacuse of the ruddy traffic.

Liverpool Headlines Vs Liverpool Echo

It appears that this is no longer a anonymous blog. People definately know who i am. However, my readership has doubled in the last couple of weeks, which is nice.

Breaking news on the flat across the hall! They have also have been rumbled and are clearing their office like a post administration cover up of all things sleazy and corrupt. I can hear paper being shredded (I know what that sounds like) and there are bloxes being thrown out with client files written on the side. I will try to sneak a peak at the files to gain greater insight and i will report back. But it a dangerous task.

Plus there is a new character on the scene. Her name, which was the best i could come up with at short notice, is Goth Lady. She looks like Death's mistress and never says a word. The scary silent type (who smokes in the court year).

I met her by the fake chrismas tree at the bottom of the stairs.

Fly to Liverpool From Cardiff

I was taking a well earned break this weekend spending time with friends in the lovely city of Cardiff. I was joined by the three minxs' of Monmouth and we had a fantastic time but I think four days was a day too much. Hysteria took hold on monday morning with one of the minxs becoming very sarcastic with everything that was put in front of her, another thinking she was a mime trapped in a box and the third laughed uncontrolably (often for no reason), although I did join in with the laughter. I got back to Liverpool feeling energised and also thinking that I need to add character to my character. Feel a little one dimentional so I have come up with a action plan. On the list is the following;
Spend more time with friends on weekdays
Go to more off the beaten track holiday destinations.
Blog more often
Run a half marathon
Learn to play a musical instrument

Two traits I need to get out of my character;
Make bold statements that are never backed up
Make promises that are never kept

I am going to use my blog as a foundation to write a tourist(y) guide to this fair city. I shall call it "This Is Liverpool"

The Blood Arm Come to Town

I went to see The Blood Arm last at the carling academy on the off chance the band from LA had something to offer a (small) liverpool crowd. The gig had it all.

The music (said like they introduce clips in the F Word) - A hot chick on the keyboard and a sound that sounded like a mix of Muse and the song the White Stripes did about the doorbell. I really like the way they sound. I would say they had influences of The Jam as well but they didn't and i would only say it to sound like the music writers in The Independent and i am not that well versed in music so make such comments.

The crowd - A great mix of beardy fellas and young students. I hadn't shaved so i fell in between the two. They was bouncing inflated condoms, drunks rushing the stage, the band member crowd surfing with a four deep crowd (and then falling on the floor) and drunk young girls. Surely someone should be making sure kids cant buy alcohol?

The guy who introduces stuff - Made commens about the russian spy which was probaby too soon. But he was funny so all is forgiven.

Oh... and there were girls with pom poms. That was wierd.

I love gigs. Paulo Nutin is on this Wednesday (tomorrow). What should i expect. More of the same?

Liverpool is a Cold Place

Something really sad happened at the world museum and the day after I was expecting it to be the topic of conversation in the city. But to my surprise it was not. Have we become so accepting of violence in the city that when it occurs we do not raise an eyebrow? Or is it the people I meet. If i stay here much longer i might lose my humanity as well. This can be a strange confusing place.

All's cheerless, dark and deadly.

Trip to London - Trip Advisor

I am sceptical about trip advisor. I think it may be evilI am not yet a follower of those who comment on it and it is too easy to say bad things about a place when it could just be a one off occurence. As such i dont review hotels on their but i will on my blog.

Apex City Hotel, London (vs Evil Trip Advisor World)

We were greeted by a well spoken young lady and checked in quickly and efficiently so didnt have to wait in a long line in which was nice (my god couldn't the receptionist smile, it wasnt even busy. She was efficient to the extect that she was as cold as Sharon Stone in Basis Instinc. I think she kept an ice pick under the desk)

Enterance was modern and facilities looked very new (Shame they didn't oil the bloody lifts or service them once in a while. The things shook and sqeeked like a death trap. We were lucky to get out of them alive every morning)

The room was lovely (it really was)

Breakfast was served till late which was great (Bloody receptionist told us the wrong time. Bitch. Missed breakfast by half and hour on the first day)

City is in the Mood

I am feeling blogmonal. It is 9PM and I have 30 minutes in the seedy internet cafe.
Here it goes. Ignore the poor grammar and speeling (funny eh?)

Blogging to the sound of Cherry Ghost. I like

Crack House Uncovered

The flat across the hallway has aroused my suspicion for the last few months. It is the number of different people that I see going in and out. The blinds that are always closed. The strange noises I hear when I press a glass to the wall (note to self: buy pint glasses from Ikea). The thing I struggle with is the front door that is often left ajar. It is like giving me a big red button that says "Do not press". I want to wander in and find out what is going on. I know I shoudn’t but I get butterflies at the thought of doing it. It intrigues me.

Over the last couple of months I narrowed down the possibilities for what this flat holds. It is a crack flat or a halfway flat used for people smuggling. That said, going of the people I greeted on the stairs they is a pretty lucrative market in smuggling professional english men and women. It would be ironic if this was true as the passport office is the next street along.

Unable to contain my curiosity, which began to border on paranoia when I saw one of them with a camera and I through that I was being spied upon by Mi5, I confronted one of them. After several minute of interrogation she cracked. Sayeed of LOST would have been proud (Note to self: Stop giving people the impression you torture people who live in your building).

It is a travel agent. Bit of an anti climax really.

Maybe it is a cover story...

Liverpool Vs Manchester: Gay Village Dual

Apparently Liverpool is to get its own gay village down Stanley Street and it is going to give the village in Manchester a run for its money. Some people will think that appeals to me.

A couple of weeks ago I was in Cardiff, nice place with its charming buildings and late night establishments which transform from a sleepy traditional city full people called Llewelyn to a thriving party town where anything goes and the locals are as free spirited as the weather is rainy. Cardiff is truly a moveable feast.

There are a lot of men in Cardiff called Llewelyn. While I was there I was told and old welsh tale about a father who, looking for his lost son, placed and advert in the Cardiff Evening Post which read ''Llewlyn, meet me at the St David's hotel, all is forgiven, papa'' and how a local division of her majesty's police was needed to disperse the crowd that had gathered.

While in Cardiff I was in a conversation with a few poeple and I was talking about my recent documented move and how I needed to furnish the place and I did so through regular visits to IKEA. Soon after I was asked the question ''are you gay?'', ''why do you ask?'', ''because you dress well and are funny... oh and you like shopping at IKEA''

This caused me to question something.

Is IKEA a gay hang out?

Rice is Liverpools Favourite Dish

A little while ago I had a conversation with some people, perhaps Nel was one of them, not sure, about the most famous person I had ever met/seen which was on the back of spotting Charlotte Church in Tesco. I said Jimmy Carr, forgetting that I had shaken hands with the Prime Minister at the commonwealth games! I dont like to mention it normally as I messed up, couldn't think what to call him and came up with the very cheesy "good morning mr prime minister". Anyway, I was walking through Queens Square with financial affairs columnist tim (FACT) when i happened upon someone so famous to blow all other famous people into even more forgettable memories....

I saw Anika Rice(Or Anneka Rice?). You might remember her as star of 80's running bottom filming show Treasure Hunt. So excited was I that i rushed up to her PA and asked if I could have a photo which she said I could if I waited for 10 minutes until after she had been briefed. I assume this was for the filming of challenge Anika as there was a 30ft lorry parked up with "Challenge Anneka" plastered on the side. I was on my was to buy some chocolate brownies so i said i would come back later and i walked on. FACT pointed out that I may have upset Miss Rice with my impatience. I didn't go back. But I saw her close up. I love celebrity

What have I typed? I am not sure much of it makes sense. I am out of practice

Liverpool Man Fails In Valient Attempt To Train For Half Marathon

Do I need to say more?

Perhaps the less said the better. Next up... the Manchester 10k run.

Liverpool Man Vows to Break Record

Somehow I am training for a half marathon. It came up a week ago while I was tanked up on red bull and I agreed to it. My legs hurt. My thighs are like rocks. My ass is like jelly. I dont think my body likes what I am doing to it.

Running buddy came over to Liverpool with a friend to look around one of the museums. We went for drinks at the docks and inevitably, when sober, I brought up the half marathon hoping that she would laugh and say "oh golly, you know never to take me and The Freelance Photographer seriously when we come up with ideas on a night out in Preston" I dont know why I thought she would think that because the last time there was a idea coming out of a night out in Preston it resulted in thetrips to the races, three holidays and me learning to cook Jambalaya. The big idea ball gets rolling on nights out in Preston.

Anyway, she didnt say that so I put a brave face on and told her that I was training hard (which I am) and that I was thinking of going running on Southport beach like Red Rum in those Grand National build up films (which I am not) The latter was just bravado. Right word?? Scratch that. The latter was just big man talk.

Anyway, I going to run a half marathon in six weeks. I am to do it in two hours fifteen minutes. That will be a personal best beacuse I have never ever run a half marathon.

I will be running for world peace and for the bid to bring the Miss World contest to Liverpool. Both are very special causes to champion.

Tenerife Is THE Holiday Destination For Liverpudlians

Just as Scarlett and I got to know each other she has dropped a bombshell. I was sat there talking about the bizarre "Blue Angel" at the top of wood street which served blue slush puppies into the early hours and where people dare not breath in through their noses. Scarllett is upping and flying off to Tenerife for a life of sun sea and other temptations. So now I am forced to make friends with the man who sits and stares at me when I am walking down the stairs. He is a little freaky and I have never seen him blink but who else am I to gossip to about the goings on in the building? The two yound ladies across the courtyard?

Well there is an idea.

Liverpool Man Outdone

Damn it. I was having a good week. The Celebrity Gossip Columist came by and we went to see Jimmy Carr in the Philharmonic and lived it up in the Krazy House. So crazy that they spelt crazy with a K. I know. It is mental.
Do you know what else is Krazy? If you say Jimmy Carr in a Jamaican accent it sounds like Jamaica!

Anyway thinking about blogging and (not that i do it for the hits) but some Liverpudlian (Mr Liverpool Evil Cabal) has come along and published what is possibly defamatory stories just to become the most read Liverpool blog.

The swine (said like Russell on Big Brother Big Mouth)

Riots in the Streets

Who would have thought that hosting a football screening would lead to trouble in the midday sun, outdoors, with an off-licence nearby and in what is in effect a mini stadium made ofthree glass walls. Something was going to get broken.

The Catwalk Comes to Liverpool

Sophie Anderton is looking at flats in the building next to mine. I'm like totally neighbours with celebrity. (aparently she is a famous model)

Overcrowding Rife in City

There must be four or five people I have seen leaving or entering the flat across from me. Scarlett confirms this.

There is the obvious couple "Chunky Munky" - Says hello sometimes
and "Lady Dunky" - Smiles but is silent (like Mr Eko in lost) (but without the stick) (and the killing)

"Tamil Tiger Terri" - No expression - says hello (bad taste in clothes)
"Tipi Toe Vinny" - Very quite (and skinny)
"Kiss and Greet Pete" - Too touchy feelly

It is a two bedroom flat at best.

Maybe there is something going on there.

I will report back.

Hollywood Comes to Liverpool

I bumped into the lady who lives upstairs last night. She was running up the stairs in her dressing gown as I got back from a fancy dress party. I went in normal clothes and looked dull. I introduced myself and as did she. We chatted and I said it wold be nice to get a look at her flat as I am looking for idea for decor etc. She agreed. Scarlett is an actress! She was practicing her lines which were on the coffee table in her living room. She is very nice. Finally there is someone with whom i can stike up a Joey and Monica type relationship with were I can eat her food and have coffee/drinks with at The White Bar on Old Hall Street.

Was fun.

PS The door mat is back and Scarlett is the one who returned it! She said she was looking after it as she did not know who it belonged to. I believe her.

7/10 Liverpool Women Say the Wrong Name

The Office Junior came to me today. He has a problem. His lady said the wrong name when they were.. you know...with the...and the...
Anyway I couldnt belive it, after the initial shock I was thinking about the intonation she used.

John (screaming) - not all bad
John? (question) - (why wouldnt she be sure who it was?) Bad
Oh John ( like you would say shaking head in disappointment) - Very bad

In thinking about how she said it I stopped listening. I dont know how things turned out.

This week I placed and order for sofa's. Sitting on camping charis is fun for a while. But it is a short term solution to a long term problem.

Mystery Chair Appearance Baffles Residents

There is a chair in the hallway at the bottom of the sexy flight of stairs. It isnt propping a door open. It is just there.
It has been for a few days now.
It is kind of scary.
I dont know why.
It just is.

Liverpool Man Held in "Where is the Door Mat?" Enquiry

I cant ruddy belive it. Someone has half inched my "welcome" door mat.

This week Ikea will be delivering a mattress

City Welcomes New Apartments

I have my new flat (with crisp plasterwork) and now I have new people to bump into. While the Editor was moving my stuff into the place we bumped into in young lass from the flat above. She wasnt wearing very much and she was drunk and lound. But she seemed quite pleasant. We shared a few words which means that I know her better than anyone form the last building.

This week I learnt that she throws one hell of a party through to the early hours of a school night and that spills over into our courtyard. I also learnt that the guy across the courtyard is Irish and uses the word "bastard" a lot when he is angy/grumpy/woken in the early hours/sleepy.

I wasnt bothered. I have no bed so it is not like I was getting a decent night sleep anyway.

This week Ikea will be delivering a bed.

Scary Guy From Puru is Watching You!

Just got to my charming internet cafe for some quality internet time. Usually the same guy on the counter, havent seen him for a while, asked him whether he as been on holiday. He has been. He had a good time. Anyway small talk over I said I wanted the internet. He asked which PC I wanted. I told him i wanted number three or number four. He said number four. I say thank you very much. Took my seat.

South American guy couple of seats down looks at me and says "numbr three number four... thank you very much"

Now he is looking at my post

Oh my god why is he stood there?

Publish damn it publish

X Marks The Spot

X marks the resing place of my old home. The X Building with its rampaging crazy residents (who all lived close to my flat) is no longer my home. It is goodbye to the neighbour on the right who was grumpy and the new one who smoked pot in the hallway. The neighbour on left who thought he was a Sex Pistol. The neighbours below who tried to kill each other. The neighbours above who (very badly) sang Coldplay "Fix You" to the car park on Pall Mall at two in the morning. The spaniards accross the hall who bore too much chest hair. I dont live in their building any more. I have moved. Still in the city. But not in the crazy building. I will miss it.

The Editor came over to help me move and we treated ourselves to a meal at Alma De Cuba which was nice. Then we sat in and watched the apprenctice. The Editor likes Michelle. I dont see it. Her hair is too lifeless.

Anyway... I have a new flat! And it has a mezzanine floor.

Ladies Day Comes To Liverpool

Well actually Aintree is in sefton but we (yes it is we now) are going to claim it for the Liverpudlians like. Anyway...
It was ladies day yesterday!!!
I thought I would go out for a walk about 8ish last night. Nothing to do so I thought I would check up on the town. Just as I left the building it started to rain. And rain and oh my god it rain. Going will be soggy to middling today. Nevertheless I continued with my walk and I happened upon the ladies from the races with their beautiful dresses, flamboyant (right word?) hats and strappy shoes. I took comfort in the fact that they were wet through as well and at least my mascara (right spelling?) had not run leaving me looking like Alice Cooper.

For those who know. I am not in the dodgy place.

Liverpool: The Home of Charity and Good Will

I dont know why but the walk from one end of church street to the other today was filled with charity collection folk. All of them with good causes, all of them with those little change tubs, (almost) all had stickers for the better natured shoppers so that they could show off to the world the fact that they donated loose change to a charity they know nothing about.
I wasnt in the mood for engaging these peeple. Especially when the pet recuse folk were asking for one pound a month more than the child cruelty folk.

2 pound to save a child
3 pound to save an animal

Has the world gone mad.

City's Gay Scene is Growing

Last night I was out in the city and towards the end of the night I was in the mood for going somewhere different. Maybe a strip club or a casino. But one of the lad thought we should head to the infamous Superstar Boudoir. On the door the bouncer felt it neccessary to point out that it was a gay club just in case the drag queen on the door and the groups of guys wearing dungarees did not make it obvious enough.

Anyway it was a good job that I wore my pink tie to work that day (along with my leather pants). I fit right in. Especially when I danced like a beautiful boy on a beautiful dance floor.
I was dancing like a beautiful dance whore.

Tower Blocks the Cause of Social Degregation

I live in a flat in the city centre. It is a lovely flat but my neighbours suck. The guy next door moved in a couple of weeks ago from newcastle. A more seasoned man probably in his fifties. I tried to make him feel welcome, as you do, making small talk etc. "Liverpool is a lovely place, its really on the up" i said. "Hopefully I wont be here long" was his reply. Apperently his employer sent him to t'pool against his will and given his attitute i cant blame them. The tosser even blanked me when i smiled at him in the street. The little bastard is going to regret being gumpy towards me. Its going to take an ASBO to get me off hiss ass now.
I am ging to start by putting posters in the lift inviting everyone to a party at his this weekend. Next I will steal his post from our easily accesible and not very secure post boxes.
Then I will throw my own wild parties in my flat that will involve loud music and the rest. The best bit. I will throw the parties on a school night

Ha ha ha ha ha haaa.

Liverpool Muslims Begin Holy Month

Liverpool's muslim community began fasting today from sunrise to sun set for thirty days. No food. No Drink. But Muller took the opportunity to erect a huge stand in the middle of Church street and proceeded to hand out free yogurts to all those who passed.

Is yogurt a food?
Is it a drink?
Is it a loophole?

Record Influx of Students Brings the City to Life

I went to see The Research last night with the Private Investigator. They are so funny, they have a hot chick on bass and a foxy lass on the drums. They have lyrics like "I love you but i'm scared i'll fuck it up" and the support (The Wombats) sing this things like "i guess i just miss my metro". Anyway, this story is not about the band(s).
The students are back in town. So me and the PI played how many accents can you pull in the night. A new game to me but so much fun. Where has this game been all my life? The PI score a respectable three. He claimed Scouse and Wirral accents were different but I was having none of that. They sounded the same. My score was ...
My score is another story for another time.
The academic year is going to be a lot of fun.

Liverpool Plays Host to Liam Frost

Holy shit some crazy Ukranian guy is kicking off in the internet cafe. this will be a short post...

Liam Frost played liverpool's academy. Not many people know about him but he is a very good sing a song writer type blokey. Oh, and afterwards some guy called Steven Fretwell turned up. He was shit.

I'm outta here

Public Urged to Dress Appropriately as Temperatures Soar

I have told myself that i need to cook proper food and to cut back on all the processed stuff I have been eating. The soft spot for ice cream has to stop. Mint and choc Chip. Yum.
Anyway, I have found myself spending more time indoors so I cracked open my OC box set while I cook. I love it, just like Dallas (so I am told) but with kids, a better set and proper dialogue. And with added Ryans fancy peice. The red head with the nice...
Anyway, have you notcie how they dress. The sky is blue, its California but today one of the kids had three layers on. For crying out loud I only wear three layers when I am in the snow.
Why is there no sweat dripping off their foreheads?
Is that why they are all skinny?
What will they wear when it really gets cold. Or when they go to Aspen to ski?
Its too much. I have had enough of this staying in nonsense.

95% of Liverpool Men Lack Etiquette: Shock Survey Results

A mates 21 year old sister was staying over this week. She was doing a weeks work experience in the city and since I live in the city she crashed with me. It made sense. The Editor rang before her arrival to explain the (many) rules and no go areas re friends younger sisters but I knew all about that. Honest.
We did fun things like watch the Blues Brothers and I got an education in blues music. John Coltrane is very good. Or so she said. Still dont quite get it.
We went to gigs.
We went to bars on school nights and stayed up late eating freshly made chocolate brownies.
The week went well but I learnt some things about living with a women.
1) Dont ask her to sleep on the sofa (two seater). It will make her grumpy
2) Dont comment on they way she look (scary by the way) when she has just woken up cos she will be grumpy
3) Dont tell her she can share a bed with you if the sofa is too small beacuse she is grumpy.
She is off home tomorrow and I am off on holiday.

Foreign Visitors to the City on the Increase

The Foreign Correspondant arrived in the country today and it has been over a year since I have seen him. Just a flying visit for a long weekend and on the monday I had the pleasure of his company. He came over late on sunday night and the rest of the lads joined us early morning. We were off on a road trip. I heard they did good fish and chips in Whitby so we made for the east coast. On the way the FC claimed that he wasnt getting any overseas and somehow worked into the conversation "I would sleep with anyone famous to get a story".
"Even a man?"
"Any famous woman"
"What about Fern from This Morning? Or Trisha? Or Peggy Mitchell?"
"Now or when she was younger?"
"Now, all of them"
"No, I meant to say 95% of famous women"
We listed a lot of women. the % got lower and lower. We got more twisted
"One of the Fat Ladies?"
"The Corrs but the Guy as well?" (a classic)
"Vanessa Felts?"
"That old bag that writes dirty books"
The list went on.
And on

Officials Claim Noise levels in the City Centre at 5 Year High

It was a typical night. It was about 11pm, I had drank my cup of Green and Black's hot chocolate and I was ready to sleep. But there was a muffled voice in the air. A sleepless malice was in my building. The room below to be precise. There was a couple arguing about something, ususual as in the last 4 months i have never heard them argue at all. I turned in my bed and tried to ignore them but she screams at him "how can i forgive you after what you did". They have my attention as it could be a bit of a rumpy pumpy scandel. I go to the kitchen and grab a tumbler and put it to the floor (laminate) and listen. The voices arn't clear, lots of swear words and name calling. Then the pushed the wrong button with him. He's screaming at her now. He threatens to kill her! "Get on your fucking knees" follows soon after. Then there are two screams and then silence. And more silence.
I rn to the kitchen and get me a pint glass. More silence.
I look over my balcony and consider throwing myself onto their's.
But i'm wearing Paddington Bear pyjamas. I put that aside. A life is in danger.
But its a big drop what if i hurt myself and just lie on their balcony shouting at him. That will look silly. Be a man i said to myself.
But what if their door is locked from the inside. Screw it, I'm Not a superhero. I call the police.
I let them in the building 10 mins later. I show them to the door then finally go to bed and I got some bloody sleep. Some people are so inconsiderate.

Hit and Run: Nuns Suspected

Walking down the pasta aisle in Asda, minding my own business, buying some supplies for the arrival of the consumer affairs correspondant. I was going to cook something special. Jambalaya. Never cooked it before. Probably wont again unless I turn out to be a culinary genius. Bend over to pick up some passatta (a key ingredient) which is a tomato basedsauce (to be added once the the rice is cooked but before you throw in the prawns) and someone rams a trolly into me (the backside incase you were wondering).
I compose myself and turn, to where the culprit should be, only to see two nuns heading off double speed away from the crime scence and into aisle 6 (home baking).
Thats right. Nuns.
Cant sit down properly or nothin.

Residents Warned of Doppelganger Threat

There is a doppelganger loose in the town where i grew up. Worse still he lives a few doors away from my old house. He drives the same car as me but his is a bit bigger and has body coloured mirrors. His sense of dress is better than mine. And he uses all my jokes and comic material. He is filling the void (and it is a void) that I left when I moved to Liverpool.
If I visit my home town next weekend and find him having bruch with my folks there is going to be trouble.
This town aint big enough for both of us...

Liverpool Man in Youth Gang Milk Attack

I know dairy products have there nasty side. They go off really quickly and cause food poinsionng to unsuspecting cereal eaters. Some people have allergies. Tonight I saw a violent side that I did not think exisited. The move to Liverpool has left me a little isolated from my friends. I haven't gone out with the Editor for weeks and I am without internet access in my minimalist flat. So I use a internet phone box in the main shopping street to communicate with the boys. Anyway, this evening I was emailing the Editor when I saw a couple of kids come to a sudden stop a few feet from the booth. We made eye contact briefly.
I scowled to let them know i wasn't to be fucked with and then I carried on with my message.
They opened up a Burger King bag that was full of goodies they had raided. Salt sachets, ketchup and those little cartons of milk for your coffee. They sized up the booth. They opened up a load of milk cartons. I was penned in. If I get out they will soak me. If I stay here I am a sitting duck.
But the bastards didn't give me a choice. They unloaded on the booth will all their milky goodness with me cowering in my booth looking like a rabbit caught in the headlights.
I cried today.
I dont want to go outside again.